Tag: #growth

Aesthetics and Authenticity: Unveiling the parallels of interior design and creating a fulfilling life

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It is officially a few days before my birthday.This is that time of year when I get hella reflective and start to plan ahead for what I want to see in the next year. I have kept track of where I have been every year on my bday since I turned 28. The common thread I see is that each year I have chased personal excellence, focused on evolution, my family, friends, God, being true to me and feeling more deeply into myself. They say hindsight is 20/20. I’d beg to differ and say that learning from those who have shared that experience is an integral part of making decisions as well.It can help shape how we move forward with a bit of forewarning, based on the experiences of those around us.

This year we turn 36! We, meaning majority of my friend circle. Something happens at 36. Just like at 28, and 33, there were major shifts I saw show up in my friend circles, 36 has seem to be the biggest one yet.

I promise, it felt like I was watching friends fight for their lives the few months before turning 36. It was like life gave them the option to choose a different life, the one they said they wanted versus the life they had that was comfortable, but would require settling. I watched some of my friends choose risk, and on the flip side I watched some friends be on the “edge of choosing” and choose complacency. I’m now a few days shy of 36 and lawdddddd the heat is hot in this kitchen.

I have been refer to 36 as the edge, the ledge. The year of decisive decision making, the year of soul direction, the year of connection and designing. Going into this year I am on the edge of falling into something new or looking at what could of been from above while living the life I have. At the end of 2022, Q3 specifically, I saw my 2023 Q1 bday girls really struggling with life. I watched from a distance and in really close proximity as a bystander, as I saw the struggle really chew them up. My Q2 bday girlies, were no different. I watched life essentially drag them through depths of hell. What would make me different as a Q3 girlie? I just knew life was going to come in swinging. I made a choice when my Q1 girlies started experiencing life this way: The becoming. I was staring off the ledge deciding to jump or not. I decided that if life was going to toss me around like a rag doll, I’d at least find some joy in it, at least where I could. I opted to choose joyful adventure vs being dragged kicking and screaming. The difference; pivoting and going with the flow.Let’s talk about it. Being the baddest BITCH literally requires a level of self mastery that is unmatched.Let’s talk about becoming a B.I.T.C.H (Babe in total control of herself.)

In grade school I created a magazine called BITCH. This magazine was supposed to help empower the girls in my class to be who they wanted to be, despite the restricts of the nuns and teachers around us, the parents we had and the circumstances we found ourselves in. As a kid our choices were limited. I was always someone who questioned the rules, spoke up, advocated for myself and others, yes I was a justice warrior and spent a shit ton of time in detention. In school suspension (ISS) was a constant in my life.I couldn’t understand how just wanting to be me, not who the adults around me determined I should be, was a punishable offense. Why was autonomy bad for kids? I never understood the need to micromanage anyone else. I still stand by that. Let’s jump in. 5th grader me and almost 36 year old wants to introduce you to being a BITCH and the easiest way I can do that is by exploring the resonance between crafting the life you want to the process of interior design.

1.Visualize

Become really clear on where you are and being gut wrenchingly honest with yourself. Some times you cant change your environment physically, but you can change the world around you aesthetically. Just like life, visions typically require the same steps, just like designing your home. Hear me out!

Who am I? What life am I currently living? Do I like it here?

What is my aesthetic?

While there is no truly the key to life, figuring out what version of it you are living is truly important.

2. Design

I will sing this til I am blue in the face. In order to get your dream life, you have to be clear on what that dream life would even look like. Much like interior design, you need a floor plan, dimensions to work within, color pallet, textures, and a plan, and eventually the vision comes to life. There are a million resources on seeing what opportunities exist but also sometimes the thing you are looking for, does not exist, and who better to create it than you.

3.Samples

Let your soul lead you. If becoming 36 has taught me anything it’s that there is no way in hell, at my big age, that I plan to allow anyone else’s version of what my life should look like, be my life. It is completely fair to want to live the best version of your life, but with that comes immense sacrifice. Not everyone will see your vision. At times collaboration is not ideal.It still leaves room for persuasion by other parties. What do YOU Want? That’s what matters in this phase. As unrealistic as it may seem, it’s good to dream. Because what is life without a dream? Picking things to be in your life is much like picking textiles, couch color, rug texture, paint colors, decor vibes, comforters, etc. All these seemingly small things, that build up to to a larger vision.

4.Plan

Plans are a loose guideline for what you want to see, how you will go about doing it, and in what order. Life has a funny way of switching things up, so being open and flexible is necessary.Sometimes the paint color you want, is not available. Or the texture you want for pillows or throws are not available, but the color is. Is the texture or the color more important to you? What are the dealbreakers? Remember this process is hard, but should also be fun.

5.Execute

Jump in. Yes, research is important, but there is so much data the suggest jumping in and figuring it out along the way is the best way to get started. Yes, plan. Don’t be an idiot, but don’t get stuck in the planning phase. Plans are a guides, but it can only take you so far. Experience is the realest teacher. Get your hands dirty, life will show you the way.

3 years ago, I died in a car accident. I didn’t actually die, but the version of me that existed before that day and even that morning, died along with the totaled car. So much of what I knew my life to be was forever changed after that day. My self-concept since then has been challenged quite a bit. Being chronically ill and having additional regular life factors to consider really almost took me out. I spent time trying to convince people of illnesses that lived in my body, but are invisible on the outside, therefore to others, did not exist. That, to me, is the worst kind of illness…it’s invisible to most, but the realest thing to you.

The last few years has been filled with doctors appointments, medications, research on conditions and healing herbs, exercises, learning and unlearning, etc. Self advocacy is truly something that I thought I knew how to do but these last few months really showed me what that really meant. Let’s just say 36 is personal to me. Women change so much at 36. Hormones, body, mentality, etc. After what I have been through, I know that I have to at least TRY to live life on my terms. That is my “Why?” Because anything other than that is giving up. The version of me who died back in 2020, lead to the birth of this newer, more calm, more clear, version of me. This is another year of be learning, evolving, experiencing and choosing me over anything else. I know there will be tears, sacrifice but through it I will find the joy as often as possible. I will allow my body rest and restoration. I will gift myself the right to create, the right to explore and exist as the most authentic, soul driven version of me. I am becoming that B.I.T.C.H, again. Who is joining me and enjoying the full vision in real time bringing the dream world into fruition.

Trusting your intuition to help you to stop self-sabotaging

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Trusting your intuition is an important life skill. Your intuition can help guide you in decision making and navigating through life’s challenges in a way that feels more true to you. Now, unfortunately, and to the benefit of the world, and not us, many of us are taught NOT to trust ourselves. Add on the extra layer of complexity if you have ever been gaslight and emotionally or verbally abused.

It’s hard to trust yourself when others have told you that you do not know better, or learned not to use your voice because it was not safe to do so. Whatever the case, trusting your gut, your intuition, in the long run will spare you serious heartache. Whatever the case, I think it’s important to discuss ways to show up for ourselves and trust that we know what’s best for ourselves. Let’s discuss five ways to cultivate and strengthen your trust in your intuition.

Chill out and vibe

Your intuition is a like a muscle, it can be strengthen over time with practice. Take time for self-reflection and develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and instincts. Mindfulness practices like meditation or journaling, to quiet the noise around you and tune into your inner voice have been proven to be helpful. By becoming more self-aware, you’ll be better able to recognize and trust your intuitive feelings.

Pay Attention to Physical Sensations in your body and get grounded

I know I used to have a tendency to run from my feelings, especially big feelings. The feelings would settle in and be so uncomfortable I would either rush to make a decision, specifically to get rid of the discomfort. On the flip side, I would struggle to make a decision, paralyzed by fear of making the wrong choice. Sometimes I just felt exhausted by making decisions, also known as decision fatigue. There are times when making a choice feels daunting. Your body often provides subtle signals that can help inform your decision-making. Notice how your body reacts in different situations or when considering different options. Do you feel a sense of ease or discomfort? Trust those physical sensations as valuable indicators of what feels right for you.

Reflection

Now let’s be real, we have all ignore our gut once or twice (or a lot…no shame babes!) and lived to regret the outcome. We look back and think, “I wish I would have just trusted myself” or “I knew it! I even said that!” But it’s too late to go back. Why is it that we have ignored ourselves in the first place? Did we think we did not know better? Imposter syndrome? Someone made us second guess ourselves, or hell, did you yourself convinced yourself you were wrong.Look back on previous instances where you followed your intuition and it led to positive outcomes.

When I was a child, on random day on my way to school, I felt uneasy on the school bus. My sister mentioned a smell when we got on the bus and shortly after I slowly became progressively more frantic about it. I wanted us to get off of the bus immediately! I remember the bus driving being irritated with me. I would not, could not, stop talking about it. I pleaded with anyone who would listen and a few other kids stepped in to request the same thing. The driver, who was a sub, finally pulled over to radio for another bus to be sent over to our location. After we de-boarded the bus I noticed some liquid under the bus. The green liquid ignited and caused a major fire starting at the front and within minutes had engulf the entire bus. Luckily the driver made it out, hearing me screaming to him that there was a fire. Had I let that sinking feeling eat me up, all of us children and the driver would not be here to tell this story today. My gut was yelling at me and I knew I had to act, but did not fully understand why until we watched the bus we were just on a few minutes earlier, be devoured by flames. To say I am thankful, is an understatement!

Recall the moments when you ignored your intuition and regretted it later. By reflecting on these experiences, you can build confidence in the power of your intuition and learn from past mistakes.

Does this feel right for me?

It’s amazing how your body can literally reject people and experiences. They just don’t sit right with you. You know what I mean; the anxiety or bad vibe you get before committing to a date, experience, anything! In this process our goal is to get you to stop letting your trauma guide you, but settling into what brings peace, good vibes. Start by making smaller decisions based on your intuition and observe the outcomes.Put yourself in situations where we can own yourself. We are making decisions all day, whether you notice that or not. What to eat for breakfast, what to wear, take your vitamins, call vs text that friend, etc. Over time, you’ll gain a better understanding of how accurate your intuitive guidance is. Remember, it’s a process of trial and error, so be patient and open to learning from both successful and unsuccessful intuitive choices.

Stillness

In our fast-paced lives, it’s essential to create moments of stillness and quiet to connect with your intuition. Stillness does not need to be meditation necessarily. It can be anything that brings your calm and relaxation. For me that sitting by my pool, walking/hiking in nature, crafts and cocktails, really anything that let’s my mind wander or is one of my creative pursuits. I let my brain do it’s thing. For me, that’s where the “downloads” come from.

Remember, trusting your intuition is a personal journey that requires practice and self-reflection. By incorporating these strategies into your life, you can strengthen your connection to your intuition and make more aligned decisions.Now to be honest with you, your emotional intelligence and intuition will piss off anyone who cannot manipulate you. Remember….That is not your problem. Getting in touch with the truth of who you are and how you are is the first of many steps to really becoming your fullest self.

-Trace my journee

What to consider when planning a road trip

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If only it was as easy as jumping in the car and going with the wind. While you technically CAN do that, and I have, lets just say be prepared for challenge after challenge. High key, while road-trips are a fun way to see the world around you, they do require some planning.

After several roadtrips, including a cross the east coast tour I did this summer, I have learned a few things about preparation. Learn from my mistakes, which I’d highly recommend, here are some thing to consider when planning a roadtrip. 🚙🛣✌🏾

Escape room

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A friend of mine recently had a birthday in which her mother set aside several different experiences for us to share together, one of which was an escape room. The escape room started off with rules that first we needed to find the light switch in the room and if we couldn’t do that within a certain time that they would auto turn on. We didn’t find the switch sadly because we were too busy talking over each other. Within the room were limited objects, in which clues were hidden or the clue that we found elsewhere in the room, were directly related. We struggled to find the clues and then to figure out the order in which to use them. The group of women in the room was all strongly opinionated women, who seemingly knew it all. We struggled to let each other be heard, but the reality was that none of us knew anything.

I’m not the kind of person who will participate in an argument where I simply just don’t know what’s going on. As a result of that being my personality type I went about the room, with another woman, and just tried everything. I pressed every button, touched every switch, a series of elimination tactics. Some worked, others weren’t fruitful, and that ok. Eventually we all broke up into smaller, different groups, within our bigger group and we found a way out.

After making it out of the first room we found ourselves in another room. Same story, we had to find our way out of that room as well, and luck would have it we did, only to find ourselves in a third room. When the fuck were we going to escape! Apparently we tripped a switch that allowed us access to the third room before we had all the missing pieces so we couldn’t get out. The instructor came into the room and was surprised to see how far we made it before telling us we missed a bunch of clues in the previous room and that door #3 should have never been opened.

Oh well. Mission failed. But not really! There were lessons within the way the game was structured. The escape room taught me, I cant speak for others, that I don’t know how to work well with others, I am self reliant and that I will simply try anything because what do I have to lose. I actually operate this way in real life. I can’t stand around and listen to people bicker, let’s find a resolution. If no one hears me, I am not going to sit around and do nothing. I generally will follow my gut and do what feels right. The group does not easily sway me, which can be harmful and/or helpful, depending on the situation.

The way my life has always been set up is that I have always been disappointed by others, but by no fault of their own, but mine. I have expectations of people, expressed or not, that If they aren’t meant I feel bothered. I’m not sure if the right words to describe that feeling (s) are sad, let down, frustrated, but something to this effect. The escape room highlighted my communication issues, lack of dependency on others. I really do suffer from this and why my intimate relations often fail is because I don’t depend on anyone because I have always felt let down so to prevent that feeling I do it myself. On the flip, I expect too much to fill voids I have within me that no one can possible fulfill and once again feel disappointed. That’s what brokenness looks like. I also retreat when I don’t feel like I can deal with another person’s energy.

The instructors tell you before you start the challenge that the ugly traits within us will be exposed, and they weren’t kidding. I am now, outside of that escape room, learning how to escape myself and learning to be a better, more effective communicator, learning to digest energies and simply discard what doesn’t serve me, but also learning that if realistic expectations aren’t set and communicated you will always be disappointed. Shout out to Thriller City escape rooms NYC for having us and for teaching me a little deeper about myself and the way I navigate the world. Lessons are all around us.

There was the breakdown…and now comes the build up.

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I want to create things that help other people not be as broken as I once was. I want to help people not feel the pain I’ve felt. I want to create beautiful things. I sometimes feel inadequate. I fear my work isn’t good enough, not special enough. Sometimes I think others can do it better than me. Why are everyone else’s feelings more important than mine? I have to stop allowing myself to feed others before I am fed with emotional nourishment. I can’t stomach hurting people as deeply as I have been hurt. My heart won’t allow it. I feel deeply. I think deeply. I absorb the things around me, including the silence. Through my writing I can be honest. My words on paper, bearing my thoughts, my treasure chest, Pandora’s box and sometimes I am scared to share because what if I’m more broken then anyone ever knew and now they treat me like glass. I would rather know ugly truths, than candy-coated lies, just to make it bearable. Why is being “sensitive ” considered a bad thing? Being sensitive allows me to see things others don’t. It allows me to feel happiness in small things, and repel the negative. I like being around people, but also being in my head. Sensitive means I am caring, I have empathy and compassion, I want people to be ok and to be happy, I want to leave you better than I found you. And there is nothing wrong with me. Surrender to the process and allow your truest self to be your biggest ally. Being ‘highly sensitive” is an amazing gift. Use it for the common good.

Give up overthinking on negative thoughts and re-write the narrative. Change is constant and it is scary, but it is good. Some of the most amazing things that will happen to you in life have yet to happen. Seek solace in knowing that.

Setting my intention

I open my heart and hands to the sky. Accepting what is placed on my plate as lessons, guidance, and nourishment to my mind, heart and soul. Letting go of the people, situations and things that no longer serve me. I inhale the crisp air and allow it to breathe life into my being, giving me a new purpose daily, a new beginning. I am open to the possibilities. I bow down and surrender to the almighty, the most high. I am fully devoted and open to this process.

The best decision I have ever made for myself was that I refused to spend any more time in this life betraying myself. Be open and be still. Align yourself with your purpose and allow your energy to flow. Manifest the beautiful life you want and if you are walking in your purpose you will be blessed abundantly. Make today the day you stop destroying your life and decide that you will move forward in life with intention. Create the life you want and don’t listen to people who doubt you. They don’t have to chew what you bite off, so if it doesn’t directly affect them, then it doesn’t concern them, do you. Be true to who you are no matter who doesn’t appreciate it, because there are others who do and those are the people I create for, because we understand each other on a deeper level and you all are my soul tribe.

Why my past relationships failed

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“A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.” – Elbert Hubbard

I have spent the last few months replaying situations as to why my last relationship failed. In hindsight, I have come to realize some of the things my ex had said to me were in fact very valid about the type of person I was and how I treated him. Majority of what happened between us that caused our demise was that we didn’t LISTEN to one another to understand, we LISTENED to reply, or at least I can say that for myself.

Learning from my communication issues in these past few years these are there things I can think of to share with you all in regards to communicating effectively, knowing how to use your time and how to use your words all for the advancement of relationships with others.

The biggest issue I have been having is realizing that not everyone communicates how I do, nor are they always receptive to my style of communicating and that I had some work to do in regards to becoming more of an effective communicator and how to all together be a better person to be with and around. Since realizing this I have come these conclusions:

1.Your tone

It’s not what you say but how you say it. It’s not only about the words used but also about the facial and body expressions that accompany it.

Whatever you say should be sweet because one day you will have to swallow it, and if its not then you need to change what you are saying.

Understand your posture. Be able to stay calm and speak life, not throw tantrums.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath,  but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Competing on who can be the loudest…You will always lose. It doesn’t matter if you’re right if you say it the wrong way. Many times as humans we have the inability to express our own emotions. We must model what we mandate. If we expect someone speak to us a certain way we must treat the other in that way. People can only do to what you allow them to do to you. What you are willing to accept is more a reflection of how you feel about yourself then it is about how they feel about you. Speak up when necessary but do so with tact. Ever find yourself entering into wars where there is nothing to win? Be something and someone different by the love that you show.

2.Time

When I refer to time I’m speaking in the sense of taking your time and sharing your time with others. There are too many “urgent” things causing us to forget what’s so important. If you don’t tell your time where to go you will always wonder where it went. Do not rush the timing of your life. Do not force people to move faster than they are able. Everyone has his or her own timing. Respect it. But also in that regard do not take your time. Do not drag your feet when you need to move full speed ahead. Understand the timing of your life is vital information.

As far as sharing your time with others, invest in each other. Invest in each other’s hobbies, loves, experiment together, etc. Give your partner your time. Show them that their dreams and desires are important to you too. Do not tell people how to spend their time, just decide how to use your time wisely.

Time is important because we only get a handful of it, and if it is misused then we waste it.

3.Trust

“Better are the wounds of a friend, than the deceitful kisses of an enemy.”

Proverbs 27:6

Everything said should be truthful, but not everything truthful should be said. Speak the truth in love. My biggest pet peeve is people who use personal things against you. Like wait….. someone call 911…. SHOTS FIRED!!!! What did I do for you to use my hurts and past against me. I’m not very forgiving when it comes to these types of individuals. There is a difference between having a situation make you feel like something negative happened and someone actually saying something to purposefully get a rise out of you by using your hurt against you. Build a bridge of love…words said to you in confidence should never be used against them later on. Secrets and words said in confidence should be like Vegas; whatever is said here stays here….

Don’t allow your pride to win the war, but lose relationships.

Just because I don’t see eye to eye with you doesn’t mean we can’t stand shoulder to shoulder. Life is a shared experience; you don’t have to do it by yourself.

To sum this up: Be good to others, do not speak in anger, take your time, do not use others hurt against them. None of us are perfect, although we may claim to be. Your feelings matter but so do others. Do not destroy yourself or another, it’s never worth it.

 

How do you operate in the face of fear?

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A wise woman once told me, “What cannot be seen or heard will be felt.” – Ms. Ruth

 

There are times in life where we underestimate the power something has over us. Those things have the ability to make us do things, right or wrong. I find that lately I have been making tons of mistakes. I’ve sat on this and really meditated over this because I need to figure out why I am f*cking up.

The past few months, as you know, have been a rollercoaster for me. I’m making decisions out of fear, rather than calculated decisions. Time hasn’t exactly been on my time and it seems like my faith is wavering. I say that that because if my faith was strong as I thought it was I’d have faith that God would carry me through, regardless of time constraints, and rushing into decision making.

Here is how I can only assume mistakes work, based on my experience:

I make mistakes out of fear, vulnerability, and ignorance, to remain in control (fear/vulnerability).

Sometimes the rate at which the changes in my life are taking place is scary. I usually mull over things until I’m certain and once I’m confident in my ability to succeed I’m ready for whatever, but without preparation I am motivated by fear, which is not always good.

Fear keeps me on my toes. Keeps me from getting too comfortable with life. Fear ensure I’m always doing more because I don’t know when my “luck” will run out. I’ve heard the line that luck is where preparation meets opportunity. So in order to be “lucky” I try to stay prepared. That’s not always possible. Growth is a process and when I said 28 would be a year of growth I didn’t expect it to be like this. I guess I assumed it would be easier than this. Growth is hurt, pain, love, tears, joy, happiness, sadness, mistakes, and decision making.

All this “f*cking up” has allowed me to see and learn the following:

  • I’ve learned about myself and my values
  • Where I fall short and where I’m vibrant
  • Seeing what matters and what doesn’t
  • Seeing how others have changed
  • Seeing how I’ve changed
  • What works and what doesn’t work
  • Forgiveness
  • Compassion
  • New options
  • Past mistakes and how they are affecting me know (insight)
  • Humbleness
  • Create balance
  • Seek justice and difference
  • Misjudgment
  • Creative direction

We are all human. Life is about the journey. The mistakes we make help us grow. Although we are letting others down when we mess up, we should take accountability for the action that led to the disappointment, and learn from it and grow. We are allowed to be a masterpiece and still be working on ourselves simultaneously. I am a fuckup to some, but at least I’m growing from it. 28 I knew you would be my trial year, and although I underestimated the journey, I am positive that I will come out a better person for it.

We all go through valleys on our path to success, don’t let anyone tell you different. You are human, mistakes happen, dark days happen, people struggle with self-discovery, etc…but remember we all go through it, it’s a part of life, and it does get better.

Stop re-living the past, mourning situations past, worrying about the future, and dwelling on the past. Re-write the narrative and make it empowering to you and help it catapult you into your future. Take inventory of those in your life and surround yourself with people who help build your future, not those who force you to re-live your past.

“The past is meant to be learned from, not lived in.”- Steven Prestfield

–Forever working on myself