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CHASING MEN

Published on by tracemyjourneeLeave a comment

I have a bone to pick with you ladies! F*#k, I need to pick this bone with myself too honestly. I’m about to drop some real knowledge, so be ready to listen.

Ladies stop chasing after these men. Just STOP!

First and foremost, men are primal. They need to chase. If it’s too easy, they don’t want it. We know that.

Secondly, if you never give him the chance to pursue you, how will you know if he even wants to.

Lastly, you don’t want to be stuck doing all the work. Do not set a precedent where you’re always the one initiating conversations and making plans. He will get comfortable with you doing it and will probably get lazy.

Now, all of this being said, it is not to say that you shouldn’t admire him and appreciate him, but don’t be too pressed. You come across as needy and desperate.

There are ways to let him know you’re interested.

For starters, be open, honest and approachable. I have this nasty habit of being very cold at first when meeting people in general. I proceed with caution. I always need to know their motive. Is it my panties that you’re after? If so keep trekking honey. I find that I protect myself with my arms crossed. Apparently that means I’m closed off. This might be true. Sometimes I am simply uncomfortable and other times I just don’t know what else to do with my hands or arms. Standing like a statue, with arms by your side, is weirder to me than arms crossed.

As a woman I have been hurt, and while I’d love to be ready to move on, I think I am still trying to figure out what I want. Mainly I’m concerned with characteristics I’d like my partner to possess. Let’s call that my needs vs wants list. In my younger years I was so focused on if he had money, his looks, what car he drives, what he can do for me. With growth you start to see that the things you want in your partner aren’t material. Personally, I look for a partner who is understanding and patient because I am annoying as f***. I need a man who can lead were I lack knowledge. A man who can help make decisions alongside me, not for me. A man who understands the importance of planning and simultaneously can understand the need for spontaneity. A man who is accountable for his actions, my heart, and our future. I mean the list goes on and I am still in the exploratory phase of this journey.

Next, be honest with him! If you’re simply not sure what you are looking for, let him know. Most importantly, I am finding that it’s most important to be honest with yourself. Stop forcing relationships that clearly won’t work. Do not get into a relationship just to be in one. I get it! You might feel like a failure because your friends have their shit together, according to what? Instagram and Facebook?

I am 28 and I absolutely feel rushed to be married and have kids. When? ASAP! I find myself giving men chances they don’t deserve, especially men I know I wouldn’t want as a life partner anyway. WHY? Ticking time clock, family pressure, etc. But that’s no excuse to waste your time, or his. If it isn’t working, leave it alone.

If you decide this is a man that you would like to pursue, I have learned the follow-up needs to done by him. Again don’t be desperate. Chill! Your scare him away If your like “When do you want to get married? How many kids do you want? What do you want to name them? All within the courting stage. Like seriously, bro doesn’t even know what he is having for dinner tonight, you think he knows?

Don’t go crazy texting him. Instead, let him come to you. You are the prize, you are worth something, make him work for you and your affections. Now some of you take that as a reason to be snobby and act like your superior to a man. Wrong! You are not better than him. He has qualities and characteristics that you obviously liked. He is NOT the lesser. Men need to feel like leaders, so let him. Relax. If he is for you, he will be about you. I guess it’s just that simple.

Ladies, be very aware of the way you speak as well. Speak positivity into him, don’t condemn him for being who he is. You’re not here to mold him, you’re here to help build with him. Notice I said “BUILD WITH” him. You have responsibilities to your man, and he to you. Different relationships have different dynamics, so that’s between y’all to figure out what roles you both will play eventually, but first date, isn’t the time. That happens with TIME.

Stop trying to control everything and just go with the flow. Being too controlling may come off as aggressive, forceful, uncompromising, and a plethora of other not so appealing qualities. It’s very tough. Control is based in fear; It stems from the fact that you do not trust that this person can take care of you better than you have been taking care of yourself. It is very hard to relinquish control. It is hard to trust that this man has your best interest at heart. Life is a game a chance, choices and leaps of faith. Love is no different I guess. Stop running after people who do not want you. Hell, stop running after people who want you. The man who is for you won’t require you to run after him. My friend Vanessa told me, “There is nothing in life that’s meant for you that won’t come to you.” People cannot steal your blessings. Trust that your time will come. I haven’t found mine yet, but he is coming.

Accepting the apologies you will never get

Published on by tracemyjournee1 Comment

Life has a cruel way of showing you that people are not supposed to be in your life. No matter how hard you try to keep certain relationships alive they eventually fade out. Not by the fault of your own, but because you saw more potential in the other person then they saw for themselves. It is not your job to show someone how amazing they could be, it is not your job to mold them. Your job is to be the best you and promote them, let them know you support them and are their biggest fan.

Majority of women seem to forget that men are not malleable, meaning they are not playdoh. Just because they are in your life now, doesn’t mean they are meant to be there forever! We are giving husband privileges to “fuckboys,” because we think that we can make them grow up. Well I have learned that no matter how much and how deep you love love someone, it is never going to be enough to make them be who you want them to be. Sadly, if you have to mold someone they probably aren’t for you to begin with.

Now “husband privileges” is another post, so stay tuned, but as far as giving yourself fully and completely, emotionally, to a man who does not value you, or to a man who does not care ; It hurts! So sidebar….let me give you some insight into my life.

I dated a few different people for 4 plus years and a lot of times when things ended, someone never had the common decency to end things. Although I saw things going downhill, the makeup to breakups over periods of months or even weeks, the disrespectful and hurtful comment and then some, I still thought we could fix it. Through all that, as a woman, you still think you can save things. You hope, wish, and pray that he/ she will wake up and finally see the error of their ways and want to make it work. You have invested so much time in that person, so you of course try to make something, out of ,apparently, nothing.

So after devoting however much time into the relationship, and no real breakup, I found myself feeling really single. Apparently couples don’t break up anymore. One person just acts like an a$$ until the other simply is fed up and walks. Thank you social media and texting for this lack of communication that has evolved.

Anyway, with all that said and done, many times I was left feeling really mad, hurt, confused, bitter, etc. Eventually you realize that that’s what cowards do. A coward cannot face truth, a coward takes the easy way out. Yes, he would have hurt me, but this was much worse! Now, I already knew we were doomed, and plenty of times prior to this is was ready to call it quits, so it’s not that I was completely shocked.

Do you deserve more than that as their partner, as their what could have been potential wife or husband, mother or father to their future children? Yes! After all, you have spent time envisioning this life with them. You have built a life with this person, possibly cohabited, shared the deepest parts of yourselves with one another, so you absolutely deserve more than simply just a slow fade out. BUT you will probably never get the closure you are looking for. God has something better planned for you. The man or woman that God has in store for you will show you why things never worked out with anyone else. As much as it sucks you have to accept the fact that he/she isn’t worth the tears, isn’t worth the resentment. They really aren’t worth shit, so neither is their apology. Accept the facts for what they are. Learn to accept the apologies you will never get.

The intimacy of my truth

Published on by tracemyjourneeLeave a comment

Lately I have had this conversation about intimacy and sex  with several friends and we can’t seem to get a general consensus of how we would define intimacy, so I figured I’d take some time and really dive into this topic and see what guys think.

For starters, most women agree that it is a common misconception that sex is defined as intimacy. Sex is the expression of intimacy. As a 28 year old in this dating world, it is hard to separate what I want ,versus what I need, to be satisfied, in every facet, of my life. For work, I know that I need more than just going in and doing the same mundane tasks day in and day out. I know for my relationships I have come to discover for me to be content I need communication, loyalty, respect, humor, comfort and safety. Honestly, without those things a relationship with me couldn’t survive.

So what do I consider intimacy? Holding hands, spending time picking each others brains? To me it’s the adventure of being emotionally close to your partner, about being able to let your guard down, and let him or her know how you really feel. Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in your partner’s feelings, about being there when he/she wants to let their guard down.

Intimacy is a journey of discovery in a relationship.

Many people lay up with a man/woman who doesn’t even know his/her last name. As a woman I value myself enough to see what I have between my legs is sacred and shouldn’t be sacrificed for the sake of feeding my flesh, my spiritual need and emotional needs should be fed first. If you think that sex can strengthen an intimacy bond that wasn’t there to begin with, you are sadly mistaken.

I want to share my heart and my desires and needs before I share my body. Unfortunately as soon as I made this discovery I have found my dating pool quickly diminishing, but I trust that the man who isn’t scared of the love I have to give will deserve all the goodness I can bring to his soul and his body. Now let’s get this straight real quick! Woman who value themselves, or don’t put out quickly, doesn’t mean they are prude. What we have is just not for everyone to enjoy. Luxury brands don’t need broadcasting…I’m just saying!

If he doesn’t want to wait, then let that be his problem. You never cheapen your self worth for the sake of a man because once he gets “that thing” he will be over the chase anyway. While that may not be the case for all men, it has been the case of many. Value yourself enough to make him earn those deeper parts of you. You are worth it.

Unrealistic Expectations

Published on by tracemyjourneeLeave a comment

At 16 I assumed I’d be rich, married with 1.5 kids by 28 and clearly I was overzealous because that’s not the case. Not even close! I live comfortably, I travel often,  and I currently have no kids. I have moved 4 times these past 3 years. According to studies and many statistics 1/3 of people in their 20s move every year. I have to agree! I need to experience different areas so I can decide what area better reflects my lifestyle and needs. I don’t want just one version of society shaping my perceptions. I need to experience different ways of living, thinking and doing. I think it helps me be a better-rounded individual.

Apparently, most 20 something’s go through an average of seven jobs before the time they reach 30. Lord knows I have not found the one job that is my passion, other than writing and being creative, that keeps my attention. If the job doesn’t fulfill my needs I’m out! Your 20’s are about figuring out where you want to be, what kind of job you want to grow with. Think about it this way…You grow up having your parents tell you what to do. You get to high school and you can make a few more decisions for self, but still guided by your parents. In college you get tons more freedom to decide the paths you want to walk, but unfortunately you’re tied down to one major in the collegiate system. How do you really know that’s what you want to do FOREVER, never having done it before?? Legit…

This is my time of freedom. I’m not tied to anything. I can move at the drop of the dime if I wanted to, whether it be for a change of scenery or for a better job, a luxury married people are not able to do so easily. Feel things out. Life is trial and error. These are the fun parts of life, experimenting and experiencing.

So maybe you can’t just walk into Givenchy and buy those new boots or new bag, Michael Kors might not even be in your price range. Hell, Calvin Klein might not even be in your price range and you might be sporting a Steve Madden bag even, but don’t be so hard on yourself. Life gets better. Let’s be real, most people can’t simply walk into those types of stores and buy what they want, but we sure think others can and we can’t.

Realistically life is like a bag of jelly-belly jelly beans. When you think  you’ve grabbed a pineapple flavored white jelly bean and it turns out to be coconut. Seriously You die a little bit every time it happens. Meaning sometimes you think something is one way  or will be a certain way and in reality it’s something completely different. Now while it sucks to be hyped for that pineapple jellybean and to get stuck with coconut, things could be worse. You could have picked licorice. Take things with stride.

At this point in life we are trying to find balance between needs and wants. It takes time, your not a failure if you haven’t gotten it right yet. Eventually you will get there. Pep talk complete…You’re welcome!

 

 

The year of 28

Published on by tracemyjourneeLeave a comment

Hey hey! It’s Tracey of Trace my Journée. My friends have been trying to convince me for years to do this blog and I’m finally committing myself to this process. Apparently I have something to say that’s worth reading and/or listening to.

A little bit about me….

Ok so this all started because I decided that 28 would be my “prime year.” I don’t mean “Prime year” as in the best year of my life , but in the sense of the year of self discovery, self identity,travel, the year that I refuse to settle for anything less, especially with mediocre friendships, romantic relationships, my career, my health, etc…

I’m a firecracker, according to most. Life comes at you fast, can’t slow it down. Nothing stays the same, so acknowledge we can’t wait for the “best parts” of life because NEWSFLASH, we are there now! We are always priming for something so this year I’m gearing up for adventures, unplanned trips, long nights, hard work, creativity, spiritual awakening, probably some heartbreak and tears, because those are the things life is made up of, and so much more.

Follow me on my journey of the year of 28 which includes self-reflection, getting it right, and oh so very wrong. I acknowledge that my way of doing things isn’t conventional, but that’s the fun of being me. What I do and how I do it might not work for anyone other than me, but I live unapologetically and that’s all I know how to do. I make mistakes and all I can do is learn from them.