Blog posts

“Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours. As much as others may — at most times — identify with you or your actions, it is impossible to go through life without occasionally being misunderstood. While you can control what you say or how you act, you cannot always control how others choose to interpret it.”

 There are certain ways I envision my life. There are places I want to go, things I’d like to see, activities I’d like to do, people I’d love to meet, foods I want to taste, music I’d like to hear, etc. The world is so amazing and so large. It would be a crime to myself to only ever live in one place, eat one kind of food, and never experience how the rest of the world operates and how they live day to day.

I’ve been on this self-discovery journey for about a year now. I have seen some of the most amazing changes in myself over the past year. Looking back at my entries and re-living through my writing, talking to friends who see the changes, looking at how positive my social media presence has been is one of the most fulfilling things. Granted I still have tons of decisions I need to make for the next year of my life.I haven’t decided where my next home would be, what job I would like to tackle next, etc.

My life, and the way I am currently living it, is concerning to others; for what true reasons I will never understand. As a Freelancer money isn’t steady, but the joy is. That alone makes this worth it to me. Money can take me but so far, but peace will being a good person, joy for being able to do the things that fulfill me and meeting people I wouldn’t have otherwise met, can take me to all new places. Some family and friends feel like taking the road less traveled is too risky and that I should simply go back to 9-5 working, living the way the majority of Americans do, I WILL NOT! Opinions are like asshole- everyone has one but no one cares-so I think I will take my chances living how I want and see how that goes. If I bite off more than I can chew I’m still the one who has to chew it and it doesn’t directly affect anyone but me so I’m ok with that.

I realize that there are ways my mind operates, and the way my heart sings that keeps me in alignment with my actions. My mental flow isn’t the same as any other individual. There may be slight similarities and I may vibrate on the same frequency as others, but my life will never be the same as another’s. To put that into perspective, if I am baking a cake and someone is baking the same cake we wont have the same struggles baking it. My oven might have less wattage than theirs, forcing my cake to have to cook for longer and if I take it out based on their oven timer my cake will be ruined. Do not rush, just because you get to the top later. Simply rejoice that you made it, not how long it took, the issues that came up en route, how many times you had to start over, just be grateful to have made it.

How many of us rush the timing of our lives and end up ruining what could have been something amazing? Trust in the timing of your life, check on your success, no matter how small the progress is be satisfied, but still remain motivated. I base my faith in God and his timing and his timing is always right on time, not on my time.

I’ve been feeling like lately I can’t share my personal desires with others, I have written about this before, but it’s still weighing heavily on my heart. I’m realizing my journey to self realization is 100% a solo mission, to choose wisely who I allow to penetrate my circle of trust and bondage with myself. I love being around lively people who vibrate on a similar frequency as me because it keeps my spirits up. Being around people who are still, also known as still broke, still complaining, still in the same spot, still….is not good for my mental. Your vision is yours to understand, and those who don’t understand it will meet you with resistance. Some may try to turn your dreams into a nightmare. Just because they can’t think the way you think or are stuck on the way society constructed them to think, don’t take it personally. It’s not their fault. Them attempting to talk you down shows more about the way THEY think than about the way you think and/or move. Sometimes it’s best to move in silence and allow your success to make noise. It’s ok to be a dreamer. Dreams provoke action, action provokes movement, movement provokes progression and all the little wins accumulated equals success. You are different, and that’s commendable!

Best piece of advice came from my dad when I was about 4 years old. “I can show you show to ride your bike but I cannot tell you where to take it.” In life you receive guidance from those who already know how to do something, but realizing that you can do things differently and still use those skills is most important. Yes I know, I have an AMAZINGLY SMART Dad.

If there is one recurring themes from this past year I would say its, focus on your own craft, don’t pay attention to naysayers, do what feels right, be ok with redirection, don’t let fear control you, you will get lonely,you will cry,people aren’t always nice or genuine, you will get lost, but lost things get found, support yourself, surround yourself with positivity, and lastly you will be ok. 🙂

“Your life is your greatest teacher. Everything from your joys, sadness etc is bringing your life to exactly where you need to be.” _Oprah

 

This is the most single I have ever been. I don’t know where life is re-directing me. Not for nothing, I’m terrified of this new phase, but I’m also really excited to see if how bad it has been in the past couple years, will redeem itself in the next few years. I have nothing but time to sit and reflect on my past and I’ve come to some really interesting end points.

 

I dated for the potential, never reality. What I want more than anything was to be a wife and a mother, by any means necessary. Something about being loved and feeding love into someone always made me feel whole. Conditioned from birth to be a nurturer, I sought out individuals who feed my need to be able to nourish their bodies, minds, and their lives. I never bothered creating a sense of identity of self because I was so enveloped in the others. Why be a single when I could be a unit? There goes the first problem.

 

1. Need for individuality/separate lives.

 

I love being up under my partners, figuratively and literally. I enjoy the closeness and the sense of belonging to another. The feeling of being desired and I craved it more than I craved anything else so I wanted it non-stop, all the time, and it upset me that my partners didn’t want the same thing,100% of the time. I was also under the impression that it was supposed to be “us against the world,” not realizing that sometimes the world needs a piece of me or them. I was suffocating my partners and not respecting their need for space a lot of the times. I allowed them to dictate where we would go, what we would eat, when we would do things so long as I could be with them. As a result I ended up never being able to do the things I wanted, and getting walked all over. I ended up losing myself. I just wanted to love them so much, but not as much as I needed to feel their love. I equate quality time with love, not everyone shows their love that way, and I couldn’t grasp that concept. If this is how I need to be loved why can’t you just love me in that way? I wasn’t realizing I wasn’t loving them the way they needed love either. I wanted grace, but I aslo wasn’t extending grace. Double edged sword.

 

I’m not a monster. I realized I was just a broken woman who craved all the wrong things from the wrong people and places. I never sought love from myself, which is where I needed to start to truly love another. I allowed people to do or say things to me that I knew I shouldn’t for the sake of having love. I spent many nights in tears because I knew I wanted more, needed more, but I was willing to settle just to have something, anything. That brings me to point #2.

 

2. Set boundaries

 

People will do to you what you allow them to do. Every person has their own free will and will exercise their right to say and do as they generally please. It is up to you to decide what you are and are not willing to accept from another person. If your partner does something that you deem offensive, hurtful, etc you set the boundaries of what your expectations are and if they don’t fall in alignment with that then it is your decision to either accept the behavior or move along. Having standards of what people can and cant pull with you is attractive feature for anyone to carry. It sends the message “ I value myself. I am worthy, and if you can’t or wont treat me in accordance to that then we cannot be a part of each others lives.”

I never viewed myself as valuable, until recently. I sought happiness in others. I sought validation in my partners. In my mind their opinions mattered most, after all they were my potential life partner. I wanted them to think of me as smart, beautiful, classy but most of all as wifey.

 

Men represent so much to woman. They represent potential husbands, fathers to our children. It’s true that women decide when or if to have sex with men, but it is the man who decides when or if he is ready to marry a woman. Yea I know …..that SUCKS!! As women we showcase our best skills to show them why we can fit the role of wife, mother, partner, etc. We show them our best faces hoping to entice them enough to settle down with us. We go above and beyond to make him feel like a man, the best ways that we know how. Fact is we can’t even begin to understand the mental/inner workings of men. Now comes point 3.

 

3. Date the reality of the man. Not the potential.

 

When I say date the reality of who a man is, I mean to say, don’t fall in love with the representative. The representative is the version a person shows you that they are in the beginning phases of the relationship. Dating is sort of like the probationary period when you start a new job. The first few months you want to show your new bosses that you are a great worker, and give them a reason to want to keep onboard. You show up to work early to show your commitment to the job, you stay late if necessary to complete tasks to show initiative, you dress in your best attire, you mind your P’s and Q’s, to show that you are professional.

 

After a few months, and an official decision from the board to keep you with the company, we all fall into the comfort stage. You might showing up a little later, passing on working late, you find yourself waiting for clock out time to punch out and rush out of the office, you figured out what coworkers you cant stand and the few you can, your wardrobe takes a hit, etc. Much like a relationship. In the beginning you show your best attributes, dress to impress, say and do all of the right things. Once you solidify the relationship, a lot of times people get comfortable and stop doing all of the little things to keep their partners interest peaked. Many times you find out that your partner isn’t even who they actually portrayed themselves to be, yet we still stay because they were the person you wanted them to be in the beginning and so why couldn’t they be that person again. We hold onto hope that the person is still in there. But the reality is once they show you their ass believe it. The potential will always give you a great illusion of who they are, but its not in alignment with the actual individual. Date the man for who he is, and not who you expect him to be. You will be a lot less disappointed that way. Save yourself the heart ache.

 

Once you’ve gotten past the point of deciding whether or not they are who they present themselves to be and lets say you get serious etc and he just isn’t as into you as you are into him, remember….

 

4. If he doesn’t chose you , you’re not the problem. He is just not ready.

 

Sometimes you can be the best a man will ever get and if he isn’t ready, there isn’t anything you can do. There will be a woman who can do less than a third of what you’ve done, and if he is ready at that point in time of his life he will settle down with her. It is not a reflection of who you are and what you brought to the table, but more so about if his mind was ready to settle down. Don’t take it super personal. It’s hard, trust me I know.

 

5. It gets better!

 

Everything heals in time. It doesn’t feel like it today, won’t feel better tomorrow, but in time you will. Cry it out, smoke a few blunts, have a couple drinks, soak in the tub and sob uncontrollably and then get up, dust yourself off, and go figure out how to live. Try some new activities. Make a conscious decision to let the pain go. Accept the loss and the part you played in it . Acknowledge how it affected you and how it helped you. Focus on what’s happening now. That’s where you will find joy. AH joy! How sweet it is. When you find joy you will see exactly why it did not work. Joy is the most amazing feeling. It makes it easier to accept the apology you will never receive and forgive them and yourself. So let the hurt hurt you, to the depths of your soul and rise up higher than you’ve been. The older you get you’d think the easier it gets. On the contrary what you begin to understand that the difference between hurt in the different phases of your life is that the highs are higher, the lows are lower the only difference is now you have more knowledge on how to cope and you know you have the strength to pick up the pieces. You will be just fine.

 

 

“ I know this transformation is painful, but you’re not falling apart; you’re falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful.”- William C. Hannan

 

Growing up in my family I was always made to believe that for every tear you cry, for every disappointment you endure, for every heartbreak that breaks you, God will rebuild your life 10 fold. The past year of my life has been a living testament to the fact that I am truly blessed and highly favored. Whatever God you believe in, or whatever natural force you thing orchestrates your life , we all have to agree that at some point in life things happen that are truly unexplainable.

 

In the last few months I have managed to find myself peace in the most fearful era of my life thus far. I am going through a career change, a possible move cross country, health changes, and everything in between. All the pieces of me are still being developed, so needless to say, majority of my life in under construction. So for those who ask how I remain calm here a few ways I have found that helped me really self reflect and be more at peace.

 

As I dive into the newest chapter of my life, I know it’s not going to be easy.   I almost feel like I have nothing to lose but to try and see how it goes; so the sky is the limit for me I guess. I am learning so much about the kind of person that I am in this process. Some aspects of it I don’t like and others I am super proud to explore.

 

For starters:

Say no, when you mean no.

I’m learning that I have to say “no” more often and not offer up any reasons or excuses. Sometimes I just don’t want to and that’s fine. I don’t have to. I have allowed myself time and space from people to really be able to self reflect and really truly understand my spirit and my mentality. For the first time ever I have no one else to consider. I can be as selfish as I want with my time and resources and communicate with those around me as I see fit. I especially like how much freedom I allow myself to have.

Value-based decision-making

There is a sense of fear in some of my decision-making but I have adopted this new way of making decisions from a podcast I listen to frequently. Value based decision making is the best thing I have ever come across. If it isn’t aligned with my spirit and my values and doesn’t serve me any way than its likely I wont do it. It’s not to say that I cant be a good person, but what I am saying is that there are times we feel pressure to say yes to someone and it’s because of the relationship we have with them but we shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything that goes against your morals and /or value or something that will bring you less peace and joy.

Meditation/Yoga

I can’t say it enough. I love yoga! About 3 months ago I started back up again taking yoga classes. I had taken them in the past but never fully understood the technique and like I’ve been known to do I let that go and picked up other hobbies I felt better at, confident in my abilities. I didn’t feel like I was good at yoga. Fast-forward 2 years and a ton of craziness in my life and I’ve been told by doctors and friends to try it again, so I have. I think this was what was supposed to happen. Once I just gave in to the practice of meditation and yoga I have newfound energy and I haven’t been sick at all, in a few months which is very unlike me. I’d love to attribute that to this feeling of inner peace. I am loving the progression I am seeing, and feeling. My body has never been able to move like this. I am able to manage the sever pains I get in my shoulder and neck now, I sleep better, soooo many amazing things have come from this.

Allowing myself to have everything

So much of who we are is dependent on where we come from, who and what we saw growing up. Growing up I always knew that id have to be either a doctor, nurse or a lawyer, etc. Just based on the dreams I was sold, I knew if I deviated from that path I’d be disappointing someone. I also didn’t know a whole lot about what other careers were available to me because I never saw anyone around me do anything different. I knew going into college I wanted to go somewhere where I’d come across different types of people. I knew I needed to get away from my small town and expand my mind. My parents took us on vacations fairly often, I saw the way other people lived in other countries as that was very important to my parents for us to see and understand. I was always interested in how people end up at their jobs. And how they found about about it and why I hadn’t. Most people end up doing certain jobs because they don’t know about all the opportunities out there because they never saw anyone do anything different or simple just alternative. People fear “normalcy” but they fear “being abnormal” even more. Don’t feel guilty for wanting more, wanting to see more, do more, have more or have less. Your life is yours and if something suites you then do it and if it doesn’t, then don’t, but there are tons of opportunities that are out here and you can have one, create one, regardless of your past. The good part about life is that no matter how long you’ve been doing something you can always alter your route. President Obama ran for a seat in the senate at 40 years old and lost terrible to his opponent. If he had given up he would have never made it this far, serving 2 terms. It’s never too late. Go for it.

Not everyone will want to hear about your success/be happy for your success

Sad truth is, people like to see others doing well, but usually not better than them. It’s a jaded way of looking at the world, but people generally take the beauty from beautiful things because they themselves cant have it. It’s a sense of jealousy. Perhaps not necessarily that they want what you have, but they want what they want and are jealous that you have what you wanted, and they don’t. Sometimes it’s better to move in silence and people can just see the end result. It’s ok to be selfish with your accomplishments. Understand it’s not a malicious intent on their part. It’s easy to get caught up in jealous tendencies unless you are proactively conscious of it. Celebrate other people’s success, surround yourself with like-ambitious individuals.

There are ways to not completely isolate people from you success, find a way that works for you. Make sure you are putting yourself first. You cant pour from an empty vessel, remember that.

Xoxo

Silent chapter

When you live in a state that is in a constant state of” recklessness” there is ALWAYS something to do.

Originally from New York, I know a few things about not being bored, but in a state like Florida, more particular south Florida, where winter doesn’t exist, there is literally always something to do.

             Winter? What does that even mean? You mean 79 degrees versus our usual 97 degrees?

 

What makes South Florida THE place to be year round? I’ve compiled a list of 10 or so thing that I do, that I know people enjoy and maybe you would too.

• Yachts

 

Going boating/yachting with friends in a normalcy around here. Tons of yacht company’s, or private owned, provide services for half day or full day to the sandbar, day of fishing, party boats, etc. For those of you who don’t know what that is a sandbar it is essentially a bunch of sand that piled in the ocean, river or whatever mass of water that you can hand out of. The water is shallow enough to bring floats and just chill out, drink, meet up with other fellow water babies.

• Beach days

 

Ok now seriously some people in Florida will tell you, “you’d be surprised how many people don’t go to the beach,” and yea honestly you would be BUT if you actually live near the beach you would find tons of people frequent the beach. I make my way to the beach at least once a week. I also live a stone throw from the beach, so I am a bit bias. When I lived further it was far, few and in between that you would have found me at the beach. The beach is a great time passerby. There are tons of restaurants on the beach, bars, biking trails, boardwalk shops, nightlife, and let’s face it most of us go for the cute guys, or hot girls, to get drunk and swim, etc. Easy thing to do if you are on a budget. Grab an uber, which is super cheap, if you don’t feel like fighting for parking, which can be hard to find during peak times on the weekends.  But definitely make your way to the beach!

• Jet skiing

 

Not that I’m balling or anything, but jet skiing is another way to spend your time here in SO. FLA. SO much so that I can think of plenty of people I know who personally own jetskis, wave runners, or speed boats here. If you’re not as fortunate it’s very inexpensive to rent one on the beach, or get a groupon. Some range as low as $20 per person or for a pair to share and it comes wth beach chairs and umbrellas. Go be adventurous.

 

• Wynwood

 

Art on the walls, the floors, hippie life times 10. Wynwood has plenty to do. It is where the artsy indiviudals spend time at the art walks, food trucks, drinkingfun speciality drinks, fun outdoor parties at night, dope food spots. Ydwood happens to be one of the major hosts of art basel which id suggest everyone make their way down for atleast once in their life. Once a amonth Wynwood hosts a smaller version of art basel known as the art walk that local artist submit their work to displayed. Honestly a great time!!!

 

• Ft.Lauderdale

 

Las Olas/Downtown Laudy: A fancier version of south beach topped off with the elite of Ft. Lauderdale. Las Olas caters to all kinds. Brunch central. On any given Saturday or Sunday you can find tons of brunch spots on Las Olas Blvd. Now I don’t know if I have ever mentioned how much I love brunch, I mean obviously because it involves bottomless mimosas and belinis. The best brunch find, in my opinion, happen to be in Ft.Lauderdale. Miami has awesome spots as well but I definitely prefer Laudys’ options. Beauty and the feast, American Social, Big City Tavern, to name a few are really great brunch spots you will find here. There are tons of outdoor events, food truck rallys, fairs, etc. I mean really on any given day you can find cheap things to do for families, kids, adult fun. If you want to “boss up” and spend big there are plenty to do.

• Miami

 

When I say Miami people auto assume South beach/Miami Beach so let’s start there. Bars, bars, bars, great food, beaches, hot guys, hot girls, Porsches everywhere, Maseratis everywhere, club life, I mean it speaks for itself really. But aside from that there is the Gables, Bayside, Aventura, Bal Harbor, Sunny isles, if you’re looking for a little bit more low key, relaxing fun. Anything you can think of, Miami has it.

 

• Pool/Grilling and chilling

 

If you are really trying to chill out, without the struggle of sand, grilling by the pool is another activity my friends and I actively participate in. What’s not to like? Majority of housing complexes offer grills for use usually on the pool deck, they are first come first use basis, but it isn’t hard to turn a small group into a large group by sharing the grill. Meet new people, hang out all day, essentially free (minus the groceries if you’re the host) if your smart you do a BYOB and split the cost that way. Drinks, food good people some music….sounds like a great day/night.

• Lounges/hookah lounges

 

Hookah is a big deal here, or at least with my friend circle. Water or tobacco pipes, flavored with fruity or tart flavors mixed along with music, drinks, and a great crowd equal good vibes. Many clubs down here actually offer hookah. There are tons of smoke shops where you ca buy your own hookah set and do it at home. Bars on the beach at times offer hookah pipes and they are very decently priced. Grab some friends and go. I need not say anything more. This speaks for itself.

• Indoor/outdoor adventures

  

 

Since we live in Florida the downside is that we do get some crazy rainy weather. On those days rather than sleep all day, why not go find an indoor activity center. Yes they exist for adults. The ones I’ve been to have an assort of entertainment ranging from: Nascar racing (yes inside), bowling, rope courses, climbing courses, painting classes (BYOB…because everything is better when you have a drink in hand), arcade games for the kids if you want to dispose of them for a little while, if you have them. Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean life stops. Outdoor fun is on another level. To name a few things you can find: Kayaking, cycling paths (you can rent the bikes pretty cheap if you do not already own one), canoeing, pedal boating, everglade sightseeing, music festivals, crazy 5k’s (bubble run, glow in the dark run/ obstacle course runs, and more)

• Cruises

 

Grab your passport! The rest of the world is only a few steps away.  The Bahamas really should be an extension of Florida with how often Floridians find themselves island side. Port of Everglades and Port of Miami offer tons of options for 3-8 day cruises and plus side, if you are a Florida you get a dope discount. Find yourself in Key west, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Cuba, Haiti, St.Lucia, St.Thomas, and so much more thanks to these ports. There are even cruise ships that go back and forth between the Bahamas and Miami daily if you wanted to go for just the day, or spend the night and come back the next day. I mean really why the hell not.

 

• Staycation

 

By far the best thing about living here is the endless opportunities to stay-cation. Basically you really don’t need to leave the state to go “away”. Orlando is a 3 hour drive. Take ya ass to Disney (which also gives residents discounted rates), airBnB on the beach for the weekend, Take a 2 hour drive west to Naples or Marco Island in the gulf of Mexico, enjoy the white sandy beaches west side. Take a ride to Key West, better known as the Keys, and enjoy the different islands, fairs, events, etc. I’ve yet to make my way to Key West though, but I will. Impromptu getaways are fun. All you need to pack are swimsuits, beach towels and tons of beverages, oh and snack….don’t forget the snacks.

 

I could go on forever about what else Florida can offer, but you get the point! South Florida is different than many other states…the best comparison I can make it California, so much to do, so much to see, sleep in, stay out late, eat a ton, workout a ton, drink, laugh, work hard, and play harder. Come check us out! Anyone who simply doesn’t enjoy South Florida is LAME!!! Lol no but seriously…..

 

Toodles xoxo

The nature of yoga is to shine the light of awareness into the darkest corners of the body. – Jason Crandell

There is a common misconception surrounding black people doing yoga. I have recently come to this new path where I do, or try to do, yoga almost daily. I have always been one to meditate and pray about situations I find myself in, or for clarity, understanding and many times, for resilience to get back up when I fall.

In sharing what works for me with others I have received a barrage of questions as to why I even bother doing yoga. “Yoga is for white people,” is what I have been told, but why do black people feel that way?

“Black people don’t do yoga”: Is it because we are conditioned to think that yoga is targeted towards middle to upper class white woman? OR Is it because it is not as easily accessible to minorities in the areas they reside in which in turn makes them ignorant to the yogi lifestyle?

Yoga is great for: Stress reduction, lowering blood pressure, getting better sleep, metal heath, and emotional health. It has also been proven to help with muscular skeletal issues, pain in lower back, breathing issues, chronic pain, flexibility, and cardio vascular issues like heart attack.

Anyone can do yoga (different types of yoga: Hatha, bikram, vinyasa yogas.)

 

“Yoga means addition – addition of energy, strength and beauty to body, mind and soul.” ― Amit Ray,

Benefits I find from being a black yogi

1. Focusing on breathe, deep breathing, linked with movements and gentle stretching movements and make sure to stay relaxed.

2.Emotional decluttering- allowing you to address, cry over, smile about any moments that affect you positively or negatively and working through those emotions and cleaning yourself of them. This is helpful because you have a sense of cleanliness and the likelihood of having an emotional breakdown is severely lessened. Yoga is a problem solving agent.

3.Self-awareness—being self-aware allows you to look at things objectively and see where your faults are and where you excel. This will allow you to have fuller and richer relationships with family, friends, romantically, etc. For me Yoga helps me have healthy perspective on life.

4. Chronic pain management- I suffer from chronic back pain and lately pain in my hips. Yoga has strengthen my muscles, stretched them out,

“Your life is a sacred journey. It is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path… exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love.” – by Caroline Adams

 

Why wouldn’t you want to be healthy, happy, and completely aligned? If this is something for “white people” then fuck it I am off to hang out with the white people. I’d rather have a body that feels good, looks good, and be clear n my path then to sit around and feel anything less. No Thanks!!!

 

 

“It is not arrogant or egotistical to feel good inside. You had nothing to do with it. It’s simply the honest response to clearly perceived Reality.”  ~ Erich Schiffman

 

 

 

If it doesn’t feed your soul, give you peace, or lessen your stress and anxiety….DON’T DO IT!

–Trace Your Journee

Taking this time on my journey to laugh a ton more, spend time with new friends and falling in love again with life. When was the last time you tried something for the first time? Try new foods, new restaurants, cook new meals, wear my hair differently, shock my wardrobe, try new skin products, new perfumes, etc.

Re-evaluate. Re-define, Re-invent daily. You owe it to yourself. 

 

 

If you want to soar…you must first learn to FLY (First Love Yourself)…..

It’s no secret that the last few weeks have been very stressful for me. Tons of emotions went into that, but I’m redirecting that energy to heal in other ways. I am taking the next few months to not only work on my mental and emotional self and my physical self, but also taking the time to fall in love with myself, every inch of me.

As I stated before, this is a journey. For the last few months I have been transitioning to being a flexitarian. I have decided to take things one step further. I have always been an advocate for dealing and healing natural, but since my immune system has been actively fighting me every step of the way I have had to find alternate ways of doing things. I have not used any chemicals in my hair for years and I’m now transitioning to doing the same for my skin.

I haven’t always had clear skin. I definitely had a few pimples back in high school, but since then I’ve had fairly blemish free skin and that’s not because I was taking care of it. I cleanse my skin twice a day, use and astringent to clean my pores and moisturize daily, which has been working for me, for my face anyway. But I haven’t really had any real skin care routine, because you take that all for granted.

Recently, since giving up red meat, pork and some seafood’s, my body has been another issue. I am finding that since my body is riding itself of toxins, my body is extracting all toxins through my skin, causing all different type of skin issues. Welcome to the world of healthy lifestyles.

I have since changed to using all natural soaps, made by my new roommate’s organic beauty line, along with her bath soaks great for detoxing the skin while moisturizing. The best part is that it’s all natural and organic. My skin is clearing up nicely so far. I’m finding that my skin just all around looks and feels better. I was having an issue with my back breaking out since I’ve been working out and such and that has seemingly cleared up. I still have not changed my face care routine because my face hates everything and I’ve heard horror stories about changing face soaps and have experienced some of my own, but as far as general skin care and vaginal care I am happy to say I am joining the naturalist side.

At the ripe age of 28 I am finally learning why natural products are better than harsh chemical soaps that include dyes and agents your body simply just doesn’t need. I seriously hate that dry feeling you get after taking a shower where you immediately need to moisturize. Using these natural bars, they are made with natural oils, natural cleansing agents and butters, my skin feels moist and supple. The oils and butters used to make the soaps are rich in antioxidants and nutrients that promote healthy skin and can improve your skin, take away dryness and actually serve as a type of remedy to skin conditions such as eczema, psoriasis and acne.

I am not a brand ambassador for my roommate by any means, I can only speak on my experience with the products of hers that I have used. I want to actively care for myself. I am never oppose to anyone who can help me to do that. Matter of fact we keep each other accountable for workouts, eating habits, etc.

So yea maybe the home I had before isn’t the same as what I have here, but I can’t complain. This new living arrangement seems to be pushing me in all the directions I was working towards. Life has a funny, yet cruel way, of forcing you into positions aligned with your purpose.

Some people only check up on you to see if you’ve failed yet. Nah, im still winning. Continue hating from the outside though.

Holy shit I survived! Ok no bullshit my last post was emo as fuck, but holy shit if you only knew.

In a 2-3 week span my life, as I had planned, fell all the way apart and lord knows I couldn’t pretend to know how to sort through the pieces. My driver’s license got suspended and almost revoked. They sent me a letter letting me know to surrender my license, yes surrender it, back to NY State, since I still have my NY license because I live everywhere and nowhere all at once. Ok but back to the story. So after calling NY DMV and FL DMV and no one knowing why my license had been suspended, I finally got a hold of the Miami Dade clerk’s office, after 3 weeks and damn near 100 phone calls trying to get someone on the line….ps Miami Dade clerk’s office is officially the worst. Now NY DMV isn’t any better because lord knows what I had to deal with thanks to those people.

Anyway…… my license was on the verge of being revoked because apparently I owed the state of Florida $9. Yes, $9 fucking dollars, and they knew even notified me about it. Now, put this into perspective; I eat out for lunch daily and I probably spend anywhere between $7-15 dollars daily on lunch. So for the price of 1 person’s lunch or 8 items off the dollar menu FL decides I’m not a qualified driver? Really? Whatever! So I pay the 1 days’ worth of lunch bill and you would think it’s that easy. Oh no! Not when it comes to anybody’s DMV.  After 3 hours on hold, and several different agents, I finally get a fax number to submit the payment receipt, which of course in 2016 cannot be emailed to you so now I’m waiting on snail mail.

Now, I need to get my passport renewed as it is set to expire on the 16^th of July and wouldn’t you know it, because my license isn’t in good standing and that’s my proof of identity I can’t get my passport handled because my birth certificate is in my mom’s safe, in NY!! Nope, it gets worse. At this point I still don’t have the paperwork to submit to this fax number and I only have until the 27^th to get it to them, at this point it’s the 25^th. I call NYS DMV and beg and plead. No mercy on their part, so all I can do is wait on the receipt to arrive via mail. All I can do is hope no one throws it out and that someone can fax it in for me from NY.

Let me catch my breath because now shit gets interesting.

While all this BS with my license is going down I’m in the process of moving. I’ve already moved some of my things into the new place that I will temporarily staying for a few months, only to find out that living there is no longer a viable option. Now that’s some other shit for another day. Ok to continue on, my lease is up on the 12^th and I have a pre-planned trip to Cali for a wedding and to find a place to move into for September from June 2^nd thru June 8^th. Now recall I’m now at June 26^th and I have a little over a week to find a new place to live, minus my vacay days. June is the busiest month to move in Florida thanks to new grads, old people going back to their perspective homes so finding a place with this kind of notice plus first, last and security is nearly impossible.

I didn’t have time for a breakdown! I’m not qualified to be homeless, so I’m taking every spare moment to find a place, rain or shine. Still no license though. I can almost laugh at how ridiculous this shit is. Ok, so I find a place I’m ok with and low and behold there is yet again another issue. I’m not making this shit up. I couldn’t possibly. Takes me another 3 days to clear this up, which puts me now at damn near the day before I leave for Cali. I still have no dress for this wedding, haven’t picked a hairstyle nor have time to get my hair blown out, no shoes, so now what am I going to do? Fuck it, I will get all that done in Cali, focus woman! Housing first!

In the midst of all this a friend of mine has a friend looking for a roommate so I’m like fuck it why not it is only for a few months. OK I’m good to go, Cali here I come!! SIKE!!! No, now I find out to live with this girl my friend is friends with I have to fill out an application with the HOA and that process can take up to 30days. I’m just going to go play in traffic because this can’t be life. Ah but it can be and it’s my life. Ta da!!!

So since my current lease isn’t up until the 12^th I have to pay half a month of rent where I’m currently at and since it’s the last month you can’t pay online. So I call and verify what forms of payment are acceptable and I rush to the bank to get a check because again it is 2016 no one has a check book anymore. Ok so I get to the bank can’t find parking, with my suspended license and I am forced to park in a tow away zone but c’mon no one uses the bank anymore, so I should be in and out in 30 seconds flat. I’m good. Ahahhahaha seriously? I’m a fool. I walk into the bank and there is 1 man and 1 teller in there. Sweet!! I’m golden. Or not.

Dude pulled out a bag of change throw it on the counter and proceeds to count it to write it on his deposit slip. Nah c’mon. My jaw hit the floor. Don’t you know I’m in a tow away zone bro!!! Ughhh screw it will get a money order from Walmart. I’m out. I can’t afford to get towed today honey.  I leave head to Walmart…no I didn’t get towed. I get the money order and give it to my EX/ roommate to give the front office because I got things to do, like pack n go catch this flight. I pack in 32 seconds (not literally).

I’m now on my flight, slightly at peace. My application is in for this housing, rent is paid, bags packed oh and I somehow found a dress at Bloomingdales at the 13^th hour, on sale, for the wedding. Go ME!!! Hahahah no! I GOT COCKY. Life isn’t going to let me go that easy.

I slept most of the flight because yes you guessed it, I have not slept for real in about 2 weeks, and forgot to turn my phone off. As we are landing my phone is ringing and it’s my EX/roommate. The leasing office isn’t accepting a money order, it has to be a personal check or cashier’s check. Since the fuck when because 3 days ago it was ok. My feet haven’t even touched Cali soil and this is what is going down? Ok so apparently I’m the only competent person.  I call the people in the office 8 times. NO RESPONSE!! Omg fine. My EX/roommate tries to cash the check in their account and cut a check instead, but since I wrote on the money order to go to the housing people bank won’t let anyone other than them cash it. Fuck me.

Can this plane hit the ground yet though for real? The bank finally will let me cash the check back into my account and I quick pay the money to my roommate to cut the check. Ok I’m done. Lies! No the fuck I’m not.  Now by the time all this happens the leasing office is closed and it’s June 2^nd. Rent is considered late on the 3^rd mind you. The next day I’m thinking we are all good to go, and then I get a call about how my ex/roommates stuck in downtown Miami traffic and can’t get there to finally get these people the damn check. So once again I’m on the phone with the leasing office and after 45 mins of stern speaking and borderline yelling, they tell me ok we will waive the late fee since they are the reason they are not paid yet. Jeez thank you.  The rent now has until Saturday June 4^th  by 11am to be paid. Ok ex/roomie you got this.

Nope….come Saturday I get a call at 7am west coast time from my ex/roommate telling me now that since its late it can’t be a check it has to be a cashier’s check. Please tell me you’re fucking kidding. At this point I’m livid!! 5 fucking days to pay the rent? Serious housing people? I’ve never had to do so much to pay someone. Why? Now I’m done, I left this one to myex/roommate to handle because I’ve got nothing to offer anyone anymore. OH and today is the wedding and my hair still isn’t done. I’m throwing on a wig. I don’t wear wigs so I have no clue what I’m doing. Let me shorten this part of the story, my makeup was flawless, my dress and shoes were everything!!! My hair? Was a hot fucking mess. I am sooo embarrassed. Too late to give a crap though. Ok so let’s fast-forward a bit. I enjoyed the rest of my trip. Never got to view any apartments, but got a bombass Thai massage, the kind where they walk on your back. Thank God for small women with strong feet!!

Ok so now I head back to FL and as soon as I land reality hits. Bitch you still don’t have a place to live and your lease expires in 4 days. Ok now let’s panic. By the grace of God June 8^th I finally get an acceptance letter, but they raised the rent, and the deposit, and the term (length of lease) from 7 months to 12 months. Now im done. I sat at my desk at work and cried. I’m defeated. Like what else. Every corner is another issue. I call my confidant to calm me down, which she does and then I call my soon to be roommate since she owns this house. I’m like wait what this isn’t what we discussed. I’m damn near in tears again.

In about a second I’m going to pack my shit and go back to my mom because she brought me into this world so sorry honey you’re a lifelong liable to protect me from the outside forces. New roomie tells me it’s a mistake on behalf of the HOA, so ok peace be with me. Ok so now I fixed my license, oh the letter finally made it to my parents’ house, dad took it to my sister and she faxed it for me, ok handled. Well I hope so anyway. Good looking out pops.

Ok so license fixed (TBD), housing situated, ok bitch now go pack. Wait who is moving this stuff? Calls every mover damn near in the county and all booked for Saturday June 11^th, it’s June 9^th. No duh they are booked. Ok let me find someone looking for work, because that’s all I got now. The original movers wanted to charge me double for an extra 7 mins of driving to the new location, as opposed to the old one. Suck a dick bro! I just can’t win.

Thankfully my neighbors are amazing because my neighbor and some of his friends offer me a hand, thank god for this smile and charm he blessed me with. Ok so all set. I can drive again, thanks to my dad and sister, I have a place to live and my roommate is pretty dope!

Despite the many tears, high blood pressure, the heart attack I damn near had, the melt downs, the fits I threw, the drama, lost friendship (I’m not touching that this Storytime.) Despite it all I learned a valuable lesson. I can trust no one but my family with my life. My livelihood should never be placed in the hands of anyone other than myself, trust is very important and very fragile. I obviously knew this but never really believe dit until now but I also realized people aren’t who they claim to be, some people like to see you struggle, some even pray you do, but fuck y’all because God always has my back.

My rainy season has had tornadoes, monsoons, mudslide and I am still standing, I’m broken hearted, I’m still crying, but I’m still standing. Life took from me until it couldn’t take anymore. It tried to leave me with damn near with nothing, not even my sanity. I am humbled beyond measure, I cant find my way out of the darkness many days, and I am still seeking my purpose.

Now obviously this move to Cali isn’t happening in September because I’m locked in this 7 months lease, but maybe this is preventing me from further harm. I’m not convinced I’m supposed to be in FL either considering ever since I’ve been in FL my house was broken into, my car was totaled, my wrist was fractured, I got a new car and less than a week later my rims and tires were stolen, it took 2 weeks to fix that, and then all this extra stuff combined I’m pretty sure that’s a surefire way to push someone out.

Now despite taking every precaution, this is my real life. I lived in a gate community in an affluent area so one would think would keep the thieves out, which in theory should make sense, unless the thieves live within, which they did.

It’s time to voyage on, and find a home someplace else, maybe it won’t be here,  maybe it will or won’t be Cali, or NY, but the world is too big a place to feel stuck. My new mission….seeking home. Where ever that may be……