Author: tracemyjournee

If it doesn’t feed your soul, give you peace, or lessen your stress and anxiety….DON’T DO IT!

–Trace Your Journee

Taking this time on my journey to laugh a ton more, spend time with new friends and falling in love again with life. When was the last time you tried something for the first time? Try new foods, new restaurants, cook new meals, wear my hair differently, shock my wardrobe, try new skin products, new perfumes, etc.

Re-evaluate. Re-define, Re-invent daily. You owe it to yourself. 

If you want to soar…you must first learn to FLY (First Love Yourself)…..

It’s no secret that the last few weeks have been very stressful for me. Tons of emotions went into that, but I’m redirecting that energy to heal in other ways. I am taking the next few months to not only work on my mental and emotional self and my physical self, but also taking the time to fall in love with myself, every inch of me.

As I stated before, this is a journey. For the last few months I have been transitioning to being a flexitarian. I have decided to take things one step further. I have always been an advocate for dealing and healing natural, but since my immune system has been actively fighting me every step of the way I have had to find alternate ways of doing things. I have not used any chemicals in my hair for years and I’m now transitioning to doing the same for my skin.

I haven’t always had clear skin. I definitely had a few pimples back in high school, but since then I’ve had fairly blemish free skin and that’s not because I was taking care of it. I cleanse my skin twice a day, use and astringent to clean my pores and moisturize daily, which has been working for me, for my face anyway. But I haven’t really had any real skin care routine, because you take that all for granted.

Recently, since giving up red meat, pork and some seafood’s, my body has been another issue. I am finding that since my body is riding itself of toxins, my body is extracting all toxins through my skin, causing all different type of skin issues. Welcome to the world of healthy lifestyles.

I have since changed to using all natural soaps, made by my new roommate’s organic beauty line, along with her bath soaks great for detoxing the skin while moisturizing. The best part is that it’s all natural and organic. My skin is clearing up nicely so far. I’m finding that my skin just all around looks and feels better. I was having an issue with my back breaking out since I’ve been working out and such and that has seemingly cleared up. I still have not changed my face care routine because my face hates everything and I’ve heard horror stories about changing face soaps and have experienced some of my own, but as far as general skin care and vaginal care I am happy to say I am joining the naturalist side.

At the ripe age of 28 I am finally learning why natural products are better than harsh chemical soaps that include dyes and agents your body simply just doesn’t need. I seriously hate that dry feeling you get after taking a shower where you immediately need to moisturize. Using these natural bars, they are made with natural oils, natural cleansing agents and butters, my skin feels moist and supple. The oils and butters used to make the soaps are rich in antioxidants and nutrients that promote healthy skin and can improve your skin, take away dryness and actually serve as a type of remedy to skin conditions such as eczema, psoriasis and acne.

I am not a brand ambassador for my roommate by any means, I can only speak on my experience with the products of hers that I have used. I want to actively care for myself. I am never oppose to anyone who can help me to do that. Matter of fact we keep each other accountable for workouts, eating habits, etc.

So yea maybe the home I had before isn’t the same as what I have here, but I can’t complain. This new living arrangement seems to be pushing me in all the directions I was working towards. Life has a funny, yet cruel way, of forcing you into positions aligned with your purpose.

Some people only check up on you to see if you’ve failed yet. Nah, im still winning. Continue hating from the outside though.

Holy shit I survived! Ok no bullshit my last post was emo as fuck, but holy shit if you only knew.

In a 2-3 week span my life, as I had planned, fell all the way apart and lord knows I couldn’t pretend to know how to sort through the pieces. My driver’s license got suspended and almost revoked. They sent me a letter letting me know to surrender my license, yes surrender it, back to NY State, since I still have my NY license because I live everywhere and nowhere all at once. Ok but back to the story. So after calling NY DMV and FL DMV and no one knowing why my license had been suspended, I finally got a hold of the Miami Dade clerk’s office, after 3 weeks and damn near 100 phone calls trying to get someone on the line….ps Miami Dade clerk’s office is officially the worst. Now NY DMV isn’t any better because lord knows what I had to deal with thanks to those people.

Anyway…… my license was on the verge of being revoked because apparently I owed the state of Florida $9. Yes, $9 fucking dollars, and they knew even notified me about it. Now, put this into perspective; I eat out for lunch daily and I probably spend anywhere between $7-15 dollars daily on lunch. So for the price of 1 person’s lunch or 8 items off the dollar menu FL decides I’m not a qualified driver? Really? Whatever! So I pay the 1 days’ worth of lunch bill and you would think it’s that easy. Oh no! Not when it comes to anybody’s DMV.  After 3 hours on hold, and several different agents, I finally get a fax number to submit the payment receipt, which of course in 2016 cannot be emailed to you so now I’m waiting on snail mail.

Now, I need to get my passport renewed as it is set to expire on the 16^th of July and wouldn’t you know it, because my license isn’t in good standing and that’s my proof of identity I can’t get my passport handled because my birth certificate is in my mom’s safe, in NY!! Nope, it gets worse. At this point I still don’t have the paperwork to submit to this fax number and I only have until the 27^th to get it to them, at this point it’s the 25^th. I call NYS DMV and beg and plead. No mercy on their part, so all I can do is wait on the receipt to arrive via mail. All I can do is hope no one throws it out and that someone can fax it in for me from NY.

Let me catch my breath because now shit gets interesting.

While all this BS with my license is going down I’m in the process of moving. I’ve already moved some of my things into the new place that I will temporarily staying for a few months, only to find out that living there is no longer a viable option. Now that’s some other shit for another day. Ok to continue on, my lease is up on the 12^th and I have a pre-planned trip to Cali for a wedding and to find a place to move into for September from June 2^nd thru June 8^th. Now recall I’m now at June 26^th and I have a little over a week to find a new place to live, minus my vacay days. June is the busiest month to move in Florida thanks to new grads, old people going back to their perspective homes so finding a place with this kind of notice plus first, last and security is nearly impossible.

I didn’t have time for a breakdown! I’m not qualified to be homeless, so I’m taking every spare moment to find a place, rain or shine. Still no license though. I can almost laugh at how ridiculous this shit is. Ok, so I find a place I’m ok with and low and behold there is yet again another issue. I’m not making this shit up. I couldn’t possibly. Takes me another 3 days to clear this up, which puts me now at damn near the day before I leave for Cali. I still have no dress for this wedding, haven’t picked a hairstyle nor have time to get my hair blown out, no shoes, so now what am I going to do? Fuck it, I will get all that done in Cali, focus woman! Housing first!

In the midst of all this a friend of mine has a friend looking for a roommate so I’m like fuck it why not it is only for a few months. OK I’m good to go, Cali here I come!! SIKE!!! No, now I find out to live with this girl my friend is friends with I have to fill out an application with the HOA and that process can take up to 30days. I’m just going to go play in traffic because this can’t be life. Ah but it can be and it’s my life. Ta da!!!

So since my current lease isn’t up until the 12^th I have to pay half a month of rent where I’m currently at and since it’s the last month you can’t pay online. So I call and verify what forms of payment are acceptable and I rush to the bank to get a check because again it is 2016 no one has a check book anymore. Ok so I get to the bank can’t find parking, with my suspended license and I am forced to park in a tow away zone but c’mon no one uses the bank anymore, so I should be in and out in 30 seconds flat. I’m good. Ahahhahaha seriously? I’m a fool. I walk into the bank and there is 1 man and 1 teller in there. Sweet!! I’m golden. Or not.

Dude pulled out a bag of change throw it on the counter and proceeds to count it to write it on his deposit slip. Nah c’mon. My jaw hit the floor. Don’t you know I’m in a tow away zone bro!!! Ughhh screw it will get a money order from Walmart. I’m out. I can’t afford to get towed today honey.  I leave head to Walmart…no I didn’t get towed. I get the money order and give it to my EX/ roommate to give the front office because I got things to do, like pack n go catch this flight. I pack in 32 seconds (not literally).

I’m now on my flight, slightly at peace. My application is in for this housing, rent is paid, bags packed oh and I somehow found a dress at Bloomingdales at the 13^th hour, on sale, for the wedding. Go ME!!! Hahahah no! I GOT COCKY. Life isn’t going to let me go that easy.

I slept most of the flight because yes you guessed it, I have not slept for real in about 2 weeks, and forgot to turn my phone off. As we are landing my phone is ringing and it’s my EX/roommate. The leasing office isn’t accepting a money order, it has to be a personal check or cashier’s check. Since the fuck when because 3 days ago it was ok. My feet haven’t even touched Cali soil and this is what is going down? Ok so apparently I’m the only competent person.  I call the people in the office 8 times. NO RESPONSE!! Omg fine. My EX/roommate tries to cash the check in their account and cut a check instead, but since I wrote on the money order to go to the housing people bank won’t let anyone other than them cash it. Fuck me.

Can this plane hit the ground yet though for real? The bank finally will let me cash the check back into my account and I quick pay the money to my roommate to cut the check. Ok I’m done. Lies! No the fuck I’m not.  Now by the time all this happens the leasing office is closed and it’s June 2^nd. Rent is considered late on the 3^rd mind you. The next day I’m thinking we are all good to go, and then I get a call about how my ex/roommates stuck in downtown Miami traffic and can’t get there to finally get these people the damn check. So once again I’m on the phone with the leasing office and after 45 mins of stern speaking and borderline yelling, they tell me ok we will waive the late fee since they are the reason they are not paid yet. Jeez thank you.  The rent now has until Saturday June 4^th  by 11am to be paid. Ok ex/roomie you got this.

Nope….come Saturday I get a call at 7am west coast time from my ex/roommate telling me now that since its late it can’t be a check it has to be a cashier’s check. Please tell me you’re fucking kidding. At this point I’m livid!! 5 fucking days to pay the rent? Serious housing people? I’ve never had to do so much to pay someone. Why? Now I’m done, I left this one to myex/roommate to handle because I’ve got nothing to offer anyone anymore. OH and today is the wedding and my hair still isn’t done. I’m throwing on a wig. I don’t wear wigs so I have no clue what I’m doing. Let me shorten this part of the story, my makeup was flawless, my dress and shoes were everything!!! My hair? Was a hot fucking mess. I am sooo embarrassed. Too late to give a crap though. Ok so let’s fast-forward a bit. I enjoyed the rest of my trip. Never got to view any apartments, but got a bombass Thai massage, the kind where they walk on your back. Thank God for small women with strong feet!!

Ok so now I head back to FL and as soon as I land reality hits. Bitch you still don’t have a place to live and your lease expires in 4 days. Ok now let’s panic. By the grace of God June 8^th I finally get an acceptance letter, but they raised the rent, and the deposit, and the term (length of lease) from 7 months to 12 months. Now im done. I sat at my desk at work and cried. I’m defeated. Like what else. Every corner is another issue. I call my confidant to calm me down, which she does and then I call my soon to be roommate since she owns this house. I’m like wait what this isn’t what we discussed. I’m damn near in tears again.

In about a second I’m going to pack my shit and go back to my mom because she brought me into this world so sorry honey you’re a lifelong liable to protect me from the outside forces. New roomie tells me it’s a mistake on behalf of the HOA, so ok peace be with me. Ok so now I fixed my license, oh the letter finally made it to my parents’ house, dad took it to my sister and she faxed it for me, ok handled. Well I hope so anyway. Good looking out pops.

Ok so license fixed (TBD), housing situated, ok bitch now go pack. Wait who is moving this stuff? Calls every mover damn near in the county and all booked for Saturday June 11^th, it’s June 9^th. No duh they are booked. Ok let me find someone looking for work, because that’s all I got now. The original movers wanted to charge me double for an extra 7 mins of driving to the new location, as opposed to the old one. Suck a dick bro! I just can’t win.

Thankfully my neighbors are amazing because my neighbor and some of his friends offer me a hand, thank god for this smile and charm he blessed me with. Ok so all set. I can drive again, thanks to my dad and sister, I have a place to live and my roommate is pretty dope!

Despite the many tears, high blood pressure, the heart attack I damn near had, the melt downs, the fits I threw, the drama, lost friendship (I’m not touching that this Storytime.) Despite it all I learned a valuable lesson. I can trust no one but my family with my life. My livelihood should never be placed in the hands of anyone other than myself, trust is very important and very fragile. I obviously knew this but never really believe dit until now but I also realized people aren’t who they claim to be, some people like to see you struggle, some even pray you do, but fuck y’all because God always has my back.

My rainy season has had tornadoes, monsoons, mudslide and I am still standing, I’m broken hearted, I’m still crying, but I’m still standing. Life took from me until it couldn’t take anymore. It tried to leave me with damn near with nothing, not even my sanity. I am humbled beyond measure, I cant find my way out of the darkness many days, and I am still seeking my purpose.

Now obviously this move to Cali isn’t happening in September because I’m locked in this 7 months lease, but maybe this is preventing me from further harm. I’m not convinced I’m supposed to be in FL either considering ever since I’ve been in FL my house was broken into, my car was totaled, my wrist was fractured, I got a new car and less than a week later my rims and tires were stolen, it took 2 weeks to fix that, and then all this extra stuff combined I’m pretty sure that’s a surefire way to push someone out.

Now despite taking every precaution, this is my real life. I lived in a gate community in an affluent area so one would think would keep the thieves out, which in theory should make sense, unless the thieves live within, which they did.

It’s time to voyage on, and find a home someplace else, maybe it won’t be here,  maybe it will or won’t be Cali, or NY, but the world is too big a place to feel stuck. My new mission….seeking home. Where ever that may be……

 “She refused to let it break her. She faced tragedy, she felt pain, yet it only made her stronger.”- r.h.sin

The last few weeks have been some of the most trying times I have gone through thus far in life. You ever feel like a mouse in maze? You think you are finally making headway, only to turn you victory corner and find a wall? Trying to find your way to the cheese is probably the hardest thing, especially because of the roadblocks. You rack your brain to seek alternative methods to get things done. You try and fail, try again. You can’t give up because your livelihood depends on it, so you just keep trying, failing, trying and failing?  The ladders get longer, the list of things going wrong grows, the days seemingly get shorter and you can’t find time to complete all the tasks.

You’re dying inside and no one seems to understand or is empathetic. They tell you “It’s going to be ok,” “This is for the best,” “Whatever it was wasn’t worthy of you” and while you know this is true, because you’re so deep in the struggle and can’t see the light. You wonder, just for a second, if this is true. Will it work itself out or will this be the one in a million chance it doesn’t work out. The stress is overwhelming. You cry deeper and harder than your being has ever cried before. How did this happen? You live by the book, follows rules, yet somehow you find yourself up shits creeks without a paddle. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but while you’re in it you’re already dying, slowly.

I don’t know about the rest of you but when I get stuck like this I pray, I try not to curse God because this is his plan. I ran across this prayer, ofcourse because God is always right on time, and it reads, “I just pray that God opens my eyes to see more. Sharpen my discernment to warn me of those detrimental to my growth, my spirituality and my mental peace.” No lie, I almost want to say I regret that prayer, because once I said it I started losing more things, people, friends, etc. Granted this is Gods way, or if you don’t believe in God, then this is life way to remove all negativity from your life. This is a new season. Ready or not here it comes and to be honest I am not ready, but the way life is set up I don’t have a choice.

“Darkness tried to steal my heart away. ”- cece winans

I cry, almost daily lately, and that’s ok. I have to get all the hurt out and just ensure they don’t leave stains on my cheeks, because after this storm I expect to find beauty. There is a light, I don’t see it yet, I won’t see it for a while assumingly, but I have faith that so long as I am being true to me, my value, my standards that I will be ok. I might not be rich in finances, maybe I’ll never be. I’m comfortable, I don’t live in fear of money. I do however live in fear of not fulfilling my purpose and that alone drives me. Not because what others will think of say of me, but because how I will feel about myself.

This process is emotional, it’s draining, it’s full of hope, joy, sadness, gut wrenching pain, disappointment, some wins and losses. I am thankful and grateful, however, because the harder the journey the bigger the payout. This journey has been very humbling because I never understood how someone could allow life to swallow them and just accept their misery until now. It’s very easy to drown if you do not have positive forces fighting for you. Life has taught me lessons upon lesson, everything, every person, and experience has a place and a purpose in navigating your life.

“ As days go by, I can only cherish the bridges that have been burned. They taught me to walk alone and create new paths.”-Pierre Jeanty

At the end of this stage of my journey I’d love to be able to say:

Heartache taught me, life attempted to defeat me, but God sought to protect me.

And I’m sure I will. Lessons and maturity are not learned in years they are learned through experiences.

Hey loves. I know I haven’t posted anything in about 2 weeks. I have been going through some transitions in my life these past few weeks keeping me pretty busy, of course I will keep you up on what has been happening, is set to happen, etc. once things hit a finale. Currently, I am in the processes of moving (again) for 3 months and then who knows where I will end up. Dealing with an attempted career change, breakups, fading friendships, new friendships, rekindling family vibes while others fade. To put it lightly, I am just an emotional roller coaster.

These past few months have been fun, difficult, adventure filled, etc. I have made it a mission to meet new people, network, make time for personal goals, added fitness back into my daily routine, on route back to being a flexitarian (2 1/2 months strong now no red meat or pork) *insert happy dance here*. With all the new things happening, some old things start to re-surface, as old ghosts do, so I have had a sense of feeling overwhelmed by certain issues.

With transition comes this feeling of losing a piece of identity and trying to swap it out for a new one. In the past year I have gone from “almost wife” to single, going half on life with a partner to now being a roommate, going from carnivore to plant based, being negative to positive. So many wonderful changes, so many not so wonderful, some super scary.

In regards to failed relationships, I’ m discovering how hard it is to separate the dreams had as a unit and creating dreams as a solo. For the past 5 years I have spent my life as a half of a unit. Now I am the entire unit. Just me. Making decisions by myself, choosing what to eat without input by another, not being accountable to another, learned to resolve and be at peace. Yet, no bullshit, some days that goes right out the window and it saddens me to see the majority of my adult life’s relationships have failed. You don’t get into relationships hoping or planning on its demise. You work for it to flourish and build. When all that comes to an unfortunate end it’s disappointing.

To be fair and honest, I place no blame on anyone, people view the world differently and through their perception. Many times their perceptions and stance on how the world operates or should operate will not align with yours, and when that happens in any sort of partnership, without compromise, it will always fail. Sometimes, many times, it better that way. Knowing that doesn’t change the pain associated with it.

Accepting change doesn’t make it easier, but I will say this about this last year…I’ve cried a lot, I’ve laughed more, I’ve slept better, I’ve been calmer, sometimes I am at unrest, but despite it all, and I mean ALL of it, this is the way I truly believe it needed and needs to happen. You think your drowning and miraculously you learn to swim. You’re chocking on tears and somehow you find the strength to swallow those tears and force a smile. You trick yourself into thinking you’re ok, until you’re actually ok. Some days you will feel sad, and that’s ok…feel sad but don’t submerge in the misery.

In this new transition, I do feel a sense of identity loss and uncertainty. I read somewhere that in life we should take the paths that scare us the most because they will help us grow the most. My journey is full of twists and turns, mistake making, love makings, building, breaking down, running fast to reach the finish line, walking slow to enjoy the scenery, and trying to be grateful for this series of emotions, and trusting in Gods will and his timing. Faith and Patience mixed with a little trouble is what life is made up of. It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows BUT it’s what I’m made of and of that I am proud. Making it day by day.

Imagine you are a piece of glass and people are bullets, their words and actions considered the gun. Independently, both cause no harm. Together they are deadly.  If their harshness touches you, the reality is they can shattered all you work to build if your not careful.

Ok let’s be really honest; thick girls are winning in this society. Team thick!! Now let me say this before the bashers come for me. I know I’m not fat….I am not claiming to be, BUT I am considered thick and I am ok with that. Bodies come in different shapes and sizes and whether you are slim, slim thick, average, thick, BBW, you should still love the body you’re in because the packaging doesn’t determine the contents of the individual. Yet I’m finding the packaging does “influence” the perception of self or at least it did for me.

Ok disclaimer complete. Now to the real shit.

I recently decided I might need to take my health a little more seriously.  Apparently French fries don’t count as a vegetable. No but seriously, after some self-evaluation I had to take a plunge and really dedicate time to really assessing my health, immune health, mental health etc.

This journey I’m on isn’t just to heal my heart, it’s to understand who I am, and who I want to be. My main point is to design and define my existence, before someone does it for me. At the happiest, I was at my fittest. I ate a vegetable based diet with very little animal bi-products aka didn’t eat much meat/poultry fish etc (Flexitarian/semi-vegetarian). I drank tons of smoothies and I juiced, I ran daily, worked out daily whether I did Zumba, bootcamps, weight trained, kickboxing/ boxing classes etc. I lived happily this way for years.

A few years ago I fell into a relationship where my partner was judgmental of my lifestyle choices, activities, claiming my body was too muscular and I ate like a bird. Now, obviously I shouldn’t have stayed with this individual, yet I did for whatever reasons. My self worth was dependent on my partners’ view of me. I was a people pleaser. Back in those days my mental was not strong enough to handle the harsh words and I found myself altering my eating habits and workout habits to accommodate for my partner.

Soon enough I found myself unhappy with my love life, my body, my eating habits, and I was getting sick often. That and a move to a new state really did a number on my mental health and physical health. I was drained and all the sharp, raw broken pieces of my life lay before me and I had no idea how to begin to reconstruct the pieces, so I did nothing about it. I gained weight rapidly and my self-confidence was at an all time low.

Is their any relationship between how you feel about yourself and how you view the world? Absolutely! When you feel better, you do better. Let’s be real! When you know you’re “on fleek” people need to make an appointment to talk to you and when you feel like a frumpy clown, you act like a piece of crap and allow people to treat you as such. Perception of self is key! I know I used to think that self mantras sound like a crock of shit ie: “You are worthy! You are loved, value and wanted. You deserve respect” etc. Now I realize the importance of really embedding those thought in your mind.

Thoughts aka self talk, really do make a difference in your views. One day you are lost, and another day, maybe weeks or months, sometimes years later you have this newfound strength. Where did it come from? When did you get so strong? However it happens, we as women, minority women especially, really have to see that we are worthy of real love, and it starts with loving yourself and them temple you are in, despite how many minority men and other women treat us, but that’s another post for another day!

Anyway…..

I am determined to fill my temple with good things: good thoughts, good foods, good vibes, good love, good music, good everything. If your vibes don’t blend with my lifestyle then you are not meant for this season of my life, unfortunately. Sometimes the people most negative are those that are closest to you, there isn’t anything wrong with taking a step back, building alone and then decide if want to re-introduce them back into your improved circumstance or deciding to keep them at a distance indefinitely. You have one life, one body one mind…take care of its balance and synergy.

I took all those broken pieces I once didn’t know what to do with, and I put them back together differently this time. 

Who I am and who I am working to become is culminating quite nicely. Make conscious decisions, take healthy, calculated risks and start building. People will want to see you fall, rid yourself of those people, find supportive new ones. You would be surprised how new people can support you better than those you have known a lifetime. Take away peoples bullets and turn it into confetti.

Happy, healthy, journey my loves xoxo

There are so many instances in which I find myself asking myself lately: Am I good enough for this? (Whatever “this” is.) Can I do it? Will I fail? Am I too “Broken” for this? Do I deserve these things? This journey is about self-love, finding the pieces that encompass me and putting them together to create a beautiful picture known as my life. I am learning how to take the pieces of me that are broken, the pieces of me that are beautiful, and the unknown parts and create my version of “perfect.” Defining your purpose is overwhelming, let’s be real. Figuring out where you’d like to be vs where you are, in and of its self, is a project. So many times you find yourself looking at other people’s accomplishments and focusing on all the wrong things. Just because we don’t fit into someone else’s definition of “perfect,” that does not mean that we aren’t “perfect” for someone else or something else.

It may have never worked out with someone else because there is another person God has planned for you. It may have not worked out with jobs because maybe you are meant to be doing something else. Life happens the way it is designed to. Design and define your existence.

Everyone has a different concept of what is right, what is beautiful, and even how to define love. If your definition of those words differ from another’s, doesn’t make your definitions more, or lesser.

There are times where people will not respect your views. They will judge you and what you are doing. At times you find them getting to you. Even your family does this. People operate as far as their perception allows. Not everyone can see or understand you vision. Ask yourself: Why do you value their opinions? Are their opinions of you valid/true? Are they accurate? Do others agree with them? Do their opinions change anything? If you answer “No” to even one of these questions then fuck them and their opinions. Their views are not facts, it’s a matter of perception, and most often times driven by hate, envy or jealousy. Everyone wants to see you doing well, just not better than them. That is NOT your problem. Don’t not light your candle because you are afraid to shine brighter than the others. Have no fear of what you will be able to accomplish. If you don’t make it on the first try, that’s not failure, it’s a lesson. Get up and try again, adjust your plan and go for it as many times as it takes.

I view life like this:

Remember that game we played with as kids; the one where there is a box and the box has different shapes carved out and matching carved little pieces that fit into those carved shaped holes. Now, if you try to put a square piece into a round carving, it won’t fit. Just because it doesn’t fit there, doesn’t mean it is less perfect piece or trash. It just means that piece doesn’t belong there BUT there is a place for it, you just have to find it. That’s like life. We are all out here trying to find our matched shapes to carved spaces.

So relax….collect all your pieces, as messy and imperfect as they may be, and one day you will find a place to put every piece.

I can be pretty tough on myself. I am such a perfectionist that if I even think that something might not go “right” the amount of anxiety I put myself through is very overwhelming. Failure is a very real fear for me. I have always worked hard. I was always an “A” student because anything less, to me, meant that I would probably be living under the Brooklyn Bridge. As extreme as that sounds I literally took failure that hard. Unfortunately, fear was my guidance in life. Just like the rest of us, we have the fear of failure instilled in us from such a young age, and we don’t even know it.

As far back as I could remember, if I ever got a “bad” grade, which to my parents was anything not an “A,” they would say little remarks like “ You’re going to end up working at McDonalds or Caldores with grades like that,” or however they put it. So to me, I associated working at a fast food joint, or a clothing store, or anything in the mall period, as a lesser job, and I was supposed to be better than that. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? You go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a degree and once you’re done life is supposed to be waiting for you with that dream job. Right? Reality slap!!! Hell no, it doesn’t work that way.

I read something once that said people with degrees are less successful, at times, than those without degrees because they are stuck in this realm of ideal perfection, ideal success, and what it is all supposed to look like. Now no shit, there are tons of successful people with degrees, so that statement is not entirely true, BUT I can agree that there is some truth to it. Think about it. We strived to do the best we could in a consistent environment aka the classroom and thrived. Life is not consistent in that way and that inconsistency throws so many people off because you are taught to think in confines of what is allowed or deemed appropriate or correct. Deductive reasoning and real life experience serves as its own teacher.

Now let me make this very clear, in no way do I blame my parents for my views of the world. I own my mindset, no matter who, or what shaped it. I can re-direct my views and alter them to reflect actual reality. How do you hit the re-set button on your brain and the ways it’s wired though? Can you really unlearn behaviors and habits you have created over your lifespan/ history?

Now I always joke about how since humans go through this epic change every 7 years, and since I am 28 that I am going through my 4^th lifecycle change, so what better time to do this than now. You can do this whenever, and at whatever point of life you are in, this is me just being EXTRA!

So as I have gone through this growth process I’m learning that the circumstances I find myself in or situations I go through are simply just that, moments in time. We as humans assign emotions to those situations or memories based off how we felt about them at the time. But you can always change your view on it. Just look at it from a different angle. They, whoever they are, say that there are 3 sides to every story; yours, the others and the truth. Let me feed some knowledge: Look at situations factually. Look at what exactly happened, not what you think happened. Repeat the dialogue if you need to so you can dissect truth from perspective. Learn how to do this. This is so important!

There are certain things I know about myself to be true and one of them is that I have always been 100% reactionary. All I mean by that is that I react before I think. I’m erratic when it comes to deciphering situations, so it is very tough for me to step back and really dissect things before I react to what I THINK is happening versus what is ACTUALLY happening. My emotions take control before my mind can shut it down. I’m not perfect. I’m flawed as fuck. I know this is life is about grown. It is about really taking the time to really look at the facts. You can then decide whether or not something really was a failure or if this was simply a lesson you had to learn.

The beauty of life is that you decide what you take from it and how it affects you. Be practical. Reshape your thinking. Have failure be constructive in your life and take something valuable from the situation, and most importantly move on from it. DO NOT let negative situations haunt you or disturb your progress. It happened, move on. Do not spend time re-living, re-playing and frustrating over the situations. You will drive yourself insane.

The trick to success is probably as simple as: LEARN HOW TO TAKE HEALTHY, CALCULATED RISKS CONSISENTLY.

Be practical about your risks. Will this risk assist you in reaching your ultimate goal? Can you fully commit to this risk right now and follow through? And remember risks don’t need to be big. Risk could be something very small. Remember that small success is still a win. A bunch of small wins create massive wins. Think about it this way. I recently got back into running. In the beginning I was running a 13 minute mile. As I out in the work I was able to run that mile faster, and then I was able to run 2 miles, then 3. I completely forgot how hard it was when I first started to run that first mile, and now I’m breezing through it. We always seem to forget about the struggle after we have made it through it. You forget the blood, sweat and tears and it’s important to reward those things. So next up. Don’t forget to reward yourself for all your little victories, no matter how small.

Lastly, remain grateful. I am grateful for so much at this point in my journey AND for all the beauty that has come from it. I am grateful for the friends I have that have cried alongside me through our storms, and those who have celebrated our small and large victories. I am grateful to my parents who continue to guide me. I am grateful for having siblings who support me and push me, and for having the opportunity to help guide them and be side by side with them through their growth processes. I am grateful to God for being merciful to this flawed sinner. I am grateful for the job and titles I have held such as daughter, aunt, friend, sister, coach, lover, girlfriend, and even ex-girlfriend, etc. I am grateful for the people I come in contact with and those that present themselves as love notes from the universe. I am thankful for my struggles for teaching me what I am made of. I am grateful that I am resilient and motivated. We each have soo much to be grateful for and we need to acknowledge all of it. Gratefulness creates abundance. Appreciate the journey. Enjoy the new things and dive deep.

See you on the next leg of my journey! Remember to be vibrant, lovely, silly and most of all be happy. Xoxo