“She refused to let it break her. She faced tragedy, she felt pain, yet it only made her stronger.”- r.h.sin

The last few weeks have been some of the most trying times I have gone through thus far in life. You ever feel like a mouse in maze? You think you are finally making headway, only to turn you victory corner and find a wall? Trying to find your way to the cheese is probably the hardest thing, especially because of the roadblocks. You rack your brain to seek alternative methods to get things done. You try and fail, try again. You can’t give up because your livelihood depends on it, so you just keep trying, failing, trying and failing?  The ladders get longer, the list of things going wrong grows, the days seemingly get shorter and you can’t find time to complete all the tasks.

You’re dying inside and no one seems to understand or is empathetic. They tell you “It’s going to be ok,” “This is for the best,” “Whatever it was wasn’t worthy of you” and while you know this is true, because you’re so deep in the struggle and can’t see the light. You wonder, just for a second, if this is true. Will it work itself out or will this be the one in a million chance it doesn’t work out. The stress is overwhelming. You cry deeper and harder than your being has ever cried before. How did this happen? You live by the book, follows rules, yet somehow you find yourself up shits creeks without a paddle. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but while you’re in it you’re already dying, slowly.

I don’t know about the rest of you but when I get stuck like this I pray, I try not to curse God because this is his plan. I ran across this prayer, ofcourse because God is always right on time, and it reads, “I just pray that God opens my eyes to see more. Sharpen my discernment to warn me of those detrimental to my growth, my spirituality and my mental peace.” No lie, I almost want to say I regret that prayer, because once I said it I started losing more things, people, friends, etc. Granted this is Gods way, or if you don’t believe in God, then this is life way to remove all negativity from your life. This is a new season. Ready or not here it comes and to be honest I am not ready, but the way life is set up I don’t have a choice.

“Darkness tried to steal my heart away. ”- cece winans

I cry, almost daily lately, and that’s ok. I have to get all the hurt out and just ensure they don’t leave stains on my cheeks, because after this storm I expect to find beauty. There is a light, I don’t see it yet, I won’t see it for a while assumingly, but I have faith that so long as I am being true to me, my value, my standards that I will be ok. I might not be rich in finances, maybe I’ll never be. I’m comfortable, I don’t live in fear of money. I do however live in fear of not fulfilling my purpose and that alone drives me. Not because what others will think of say of me, but because how I will feel about myself.

This process is emotional, it’s draining, it’s full of hope, joy, sadness, gut wrenching pain, disappointment, some wins and losses. I am thankful and grateful, however, because the harder the journey the bigger the payout. This journey has been very humbling because I never understood how someone could allow life to swallow them and just accept their misery until now. It’s very easy to drown if you do not have positive forces fighting for you. Life has taught me lessons upon lesson, everything, every person, and experience has a place and a purpose in navigating your life.

“ As days go by, I can only cherish the bridges that have been burned. They taught me to walk alone and create new paths.”-Pierre Jeanty

At the end of this stage of my journey I’d love to be able to say:

Heartache taught me, life attempted to defeat me, but God sought to protect me.

And I’m sure I will. Lessons and maturity are not learned in years they are learned through experiences.